3/30/25-Living in Fear

One of the problems with blogging is trying to make sure that I'm not repeating the ideas or thoughts I may have already put in other posts.  I apologize if I do ever repeat a thought, but in reality even if I do ever repeat an idea it comes from a different time or place in my life so it is an independent thought.  That being said if I am becoming redundant, let me know, you won't hurt my feelings.

I have heard that I am handing this life with cancer well.  I don't know if I agree when people say that about me.  I think it's more accurate to say that I give the outward appearance of handing it well.  In reality there have been dark times.

Most of those low times took place last year, early in this cancer journey.  I remember laying in a hospital bed, alone in the dark, in tears wondering what I did to deserve to be in the situation I am in, feeling sorry for myself.

At that time I didn't think I'd survive the summer, much less a into 2025.  I felt like I was dying of cancer.

Now I feel like I am learning to live with cancer.  The cancer is still there.  It is a part of me.  Its just managing the cancer as best I can.

What has changed that allowed me to have the new outlook?  It's fear.  Back in the hospital bed in the spring of 2024, I was afraid of dying.  Every moment was full of fear of things I'd miss and things I didn't accomplish.  Fear of what would happen to my family and friends once I was gone.  Fear of what happens after death.

Now I don't live in fear.  I don't look forward to death, but I accept it.  I know at some point the cancer will probably win out over the rest of my body and I will be gone.  I'm ok with that.  I appreciate every day I am here as a gift.

I know that sometimes I make statements about being dead in casual conversation.  When I say things about being dead with a casual attitude it might seem like I am making light of my situation.  But really its just me not being afraid of what's next.

Living with fear is hard.  My Dad once told me don't be afraid to try anything once.  If you don't like it after you try it you don't have to do it again.  He was talking about riding a roller coaster, but it kind of holds true here.  If I continued live in fear of death I would have spent the last year living day by day waiting for death instead of making the most of what time I have.

I hope I am not saying something you don't already know, but everyone is on a journey towards death.  And no one knows what will happen to us after we are gone.  The thing is no once knows what their expiration date may be.  There's nothing that we can do about that date, so why live in fear of that date.  Appreciate the time you are here.  Make the best of the time you are here.  Concentrate on the things you can control-relationships, friends and family.

That's what I am doing now.  My only regret is that it took cancer for me to realize what is important.  To leave fear behind and appreciate what is really important.  To be happy, rather than live with hate and discontent.  And to learn to stay off Facebook, but that's another post that might be coming in the future.  

S&F-I Want God to Be Pleased in Me

It happened in those days that Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized in the Jordan by John.  On coming up out of the water he saw the heavens being torn open and the Spirit, like a dove, descending upon him. And a voice came from the heavens, “You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased."    

-Mark 1:9-11

I was reading this part of the Gospel of Mark today.  It's a pretty familiar story of the Baptism of Jesus.  It occurred to me I was baptized too.  I was just a baby, but my parents never told me if the heavens opened up for me with a message from God.  Maybe they just forgot.

But, in baptism, we are all adopted sons and daughters of God.  Its up to us what we do with that to please Our Father in heaven.

Lent is our time to really concentrate on the three pillars of faith: prayer, fasting and alms giving.  I can't give advice on what specifically to do for Lent, but Lent is our time to train to become better in the triathlon of faith.  If we train well for these days, we can carry on those lessons for the rest of the year.

And if we do what we are asked by God, Our Father, to do, maybe someday when we meet Him, He will say to us:

"You are my beloved son.  You are my beloved daughter.  With you I am well pleased."  

S&F-Not Jesus's Time, Not Ours Either

When the people in the synagogue heard this, they were all filled with fury.  They rose up, drove him out of the town, and led him to the brow of the hill on which their town had been built, to hurl him down headlong.  But he passed through the midst of them and went away.

Luke 4:28-30

This event happened just as Jesus's ministry began.  He faced opposition from almost the very beginning people were trying to kill him.  But God knew this wasn't Jesus's time and allowed him to pass through the crowd to continue his mission.

In now way am I compering myself to Jesus, but God could have allowed me to die from cancer last year.  My mission isn't done.

Similarly, everyone is on this Earth because of Him.  Anyone who is alive still has work to do.

We just need to be listening, He will tell us what He wants of us.

I'm struggling to hear him, but I'm trying to discern what my God wants of me.

Let us all pray to keep our ears open, ready to do His will.  

S&F-My Story is Being Written

I have been a very quiet over the past few weeks on my "Shephard and Friend" posts here.  Don't worry, I haven't had any issues with my faith nor my relationship with God.  We have just spent some time during.  Lent trying to get closer and preparing for Jesus's coming at Easter.

I spend a pretty decent amount of time every day absorbing content about The Church and the joy of believing in the Christ.  Every once in a while I hear something that Jesus specifically meant for me.

I was listening to a reflection on how in the chaos of life I need to trust that God has me on the right path.  I'm sure Joseph didn't think his life would include taking in a wife who was pregnant with the Son of God or fleeing to Egypt with a newborn.  He must have been so stressed that he lost Jesus in Jerusalem.  Losing God's son probably wouldn't make you any points with the big guy upstairs.

But Joseph had confidence that God would keep him on the right track.  Afterall, Joseph had to know his story was being written by the hand of a God who loves him and wants him to have that happy ending.

So how was this meant for me?  About half-way the speaker (Chris Stefanick on The Hollow Prayer App) says "You might have cancer."  He was talking right to me.  And when I say "He," I mean the capital "H" he, Our Lord.

Like Joseph, I need to have confidence that in the chaos of my life, my story is being written by someone who loves me.  I don't know what chapter my life is on, but I do believe that when the final word is written it will be a happy ending I want, to be together with Him in Heaven. 

3/24/25-The Inconvenience of Cancer

I heard an interview with a couple dealing with terminal brain cancer and they described part of  living with cancer is realizing that you have a new normal.  Rather than thinking of suffering through cancer she called it an "inconvenience."  And that's a great way to describe the journey.

Every choice you make has to have an additional parameter to consider, the cancer.

How has cancer changed my life now?  Right now I am about half way through my radiation treatment. As part of the treatment I no longer have IV chemo, but take a handful of chemo pills (I call them poison pills) everyday I am scheduled for radiation.  I hate the pills, but they are part of the treatment.  Radiation itself consists me leaving work early daily for over 6 weeks to go to UCSD.  Once I check in there I am brought back to lay on a machine similar to a CT, where I am positioned precisely using cameras to get me just in the right spot to get my tumor bombarded with X-rays.  The actual treatment only takes about 10 minutes, then I'm off to home.  The main side effect of radiation is fatigue.  So once I go home I just feel like I need a nap. So I take one.  When I get up I eat, take more poison pills, and shift to preparing for tomorrow-when it all starts again.  

That's my daily routine,  my new normal. 

Sometimes I miss my old life.  I miss going to work and not worrying about my physical limitations that cancer has made part of my life.  Cancer has taken daily exercise away from my life.  I have to be aware of where I am so no one bumps my drains.  Showering is a complicated engineering procedure.

But cancer has not taken life away from me.  It has just changed it.

I would never say I'm glad for cancer, but right now my favorite part of the day is the 10 minutes I lay in the tube getting radiation.  I get a quiet time, alone, to reflect on what is really important.  When I am done with radiation in a few weeks I hope to continue to find that 10 minutes of quiet time to examen my conscience for the good and bad.

And, once I'm done with radiation, I can do this reflection without worrying about the traffic I'm gonna be in on the 805.  Does anyone in La Jolla know how to drive?  

3/15/25-Did You Miss Me?

It has been a couple of weeks since I posted here.  Did you miss me?  Probably not.  

I am doing well but I made a conscious decision to take some time away from the internet.  For the past couple of weeks I have made an effort to concentrate on being present in time and place I find myself.  The internet, especially the social networks, has become an echo chamber filled with hate and discontent.  I realized it wasn't something I wanted to waste my energy on, so I took a step away.

So what have I been up to?  I'm working, nearly full time hours.  My co-workers and managers have been very accommodating with my physical limitations and required time off to do my treatments.  Speaking of treatments, I am now doing radiation in conjunction with chemotherapy pills.  I go everyday after work to UCSD and lay down on the table for 10 minutes to get zapped.  They are very efficient at UCSD.  The hardest part is the traffic on the 805 on my way home from La Jolla.

I have realized a couple of things in this cancer battle.  Fighting cancer is all encompassing.  Every decision revolves around an upcoming treatment, scheduling of a procedure or fear of a side effect.  I can see why people who defeat cancer always refer to themselves as "Cancer Survivor."  The battle against cancer is something that takes over your life and defeating cancer is something to be proud of.  It's a badge to wear with honor.

The other thing is cancer has made me a happier person.  I am not glad to have cancer but it has made me realize what is really important in my life, namely the three "F's"- my faith and my family and my friends.  I have made an effort to keep them in the center of my life and use the energy I have on those things.  Wasting time and energy worrying about things I have no control over is really not worth my time.

Getting sick has made me realize for the first time that I am not going to be here forever, my time on Earth is limited, so why not make the most of it by concentrating on what is most important and the things I can effect.

I do plan to go back to posting at least weekly updates on my life and cancer journey as well as a few short posts a week under the "Shephard & Friend" label about my faith life.  Hopefully you will all continue to follow along.

3/2/25-Its Time for a Change

I try to resist being political in my posts.  In today's world political discussion is less of a discussion and more of a method of separation of people.  Everyone is divided on their views and unwilling to listen to anything opposing position.  And I don't have the energy nor the desire to deal with or encourage the hate that comes with politics.

That being said I am going to weigh in on a debate that has been going on for my entire life.  Equality in the sexes.  In short I believe women and men are different, but they outside of the biological constraints women and men are equally capable and should be compensated equally.

How can we show that in today's world?  It's time to look to the thing that most divides men from women in day to day life.  We need to show women are just as capable as men.

So I submit, starting today we all leave the toilet seat up.  Women are just as able to lower the toilet seat as I am, as a man, lowering it.  Toilet seats are the thing that separates the genders, and its time that stops!!  It's time we stop as a society taking away the ability for women to show their power to lower the seat on their own. So:

Seats Up!!

I apologize for lowering the seat my whole life and taking away the ability for women to show their power over the patriarchy.  In fact, if you ask Cindy, I may have been ahead of the times occasionally over the our time together because sometimes I leave the seat up.  She thought I was just being lazy or forgetful, but what I was really doing is giving her the power to empower herself over the toilet.  Its time we should all follow that example.

(Note-This is meant to be a sarcastic, fun post.  Hopefully you took it that way.)