3/30/25-Living in Fear

One of the problems with blogging is trying to make sure that I'm not repeating the ideas or thoughts I may have already put in other posts.  I apologize if I do ever repeat a thought, but in reality even if I do ever repeat an idea it comes from a different time or place in my life so it is an independent thought.  That being said if I am becoming redundant, let me know, you won't hurt my feelings.

I have heard that I am handing this life with cancer well.  I don't know if I agree when people say that about me.  I think it's more accurate to say that I give the outward appearance of handing it well.  In reality there have been dark times.

Most of those low times took place last year, early in this cancer journey.  I remember laying in a hospital bed, alone in the dark, in tears wondering what I did to deserve to be in the situation I am in, feeling sorry for myself.

At that time I didn't think I'd survive the summer, much less a into 2025.  I felt like I was dying of cancer.

Now I feel like I am learning to live with cancer.  The cancer is still there.  It is a part of me.  Its just managing the cancer as best I can.

What has changed that allowed me to have the new outlook?  It's fear.  Back in the hospital bed in the spring of 2024, I was afraid of dying.  Every moment was full of fear of things I'd miss and things I didn't accomplish.  Fear of what would happen to my family and friends once I was gone.  Fear of what happens after death.

Now I don't live in fear.  I don't look forward to death, but I accept it.  I know at some point the cancer will probably win out over the rest of my body and I will be gone.  I'm ok with that.  I appreciate every day I am here as a gift.

I know that sometimes I make statements about being dead in casual conversation.  When I say things about being dead with a casual attitude it might seem like I am making light of my situation.  But really its just me not being afraid of what's next.

Living with fear is hard.  My Dad once told me don't be afraid to try anything once.  If you don't like it after you try it you don't have to do it again.  He was talking about riding a roller coaster, but it kind of holds true here.  If I continued live in fear of death I would have spent the last year living day by day waiting for death instead of making the most of what time I have.

I hope I am not saying something you don't already know, but everyone is on a journey towards death.  And no one knows what will happen to us after we are gone.  The thing is no once knows what their expiration date may be.  There's nothing that we can do about that date, so why live in fear of that date.  Appreciate the time you are here.  Make the best of the time you are here.  Concentrate on the things you can control-relationships, friends and family.

That's what I am doing now.  My only regret is that it took cancer for me to realize what is important.  To leave fear behind and appreciate what is really important.  To be happy, rather than live with hate and discontent.  And to learn to stay off Facebook, but that's another post that might be coming in the future.