S&F-Give Up 99 for 1

Jesus addressed this parable to the Pharisees and scribes:

"What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them

would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert

and go after the lost one until he finds it?"

-Luke 15

I think I might have written about this bible passage in the past, but I heard I take that I don't think I ever thought of before.

This is a very familiar passage to me, and for as long as I have heard it I have struggled with it.  Why would anyone leave 99 sheep, risking losing them, just to go after one?  That's bad risk analysis.  The shepherd should monitor the 99 and protect them from getting lost and the other hazards they may run into from other shepherds trying to lead them astray or wolves trying to outright take them for their own.  It really makes no sense.

I always though I was part of the 99.  But this week I put myself in the role of the lost sheep.  I would be afraid out there on my own, looking for my master.  Hoping beyond all hope that he won't give up on me.  Looking for his love and protection.

I think I am the one lost sheep.  Jesus is out there with the fence open calling me.  I am trying to find my way home.  I hope I am heading the right way.  It is through a journey of hope, faith, repentance and most especially the Eucharist that I am looking for my master.  Someday I hope he will welcome me home, opening the gate and we can be together in Heaven.

6/28/25-A Diatribe

I haven't posted here in a little while.  The reason for my silence is not that I didn't have things to say, but that I am not sure how to say them.

I think I have eluded to this in the past, but over the past month I  find myself very frustrated in the state of the world and how people relate to one another.  And it really bothers me.

I am a pretty opinionated person and I like to debate things.  I am always up for a discussion of people's opinions or current events.  My love of debate is one of the things Cindy hates about me more than anything else (and I'm sure there are a lot of things she hates about me).

The reason I like to debate is not to change peoples opinions or to have them change mine, but I really like to understand other points of view and why people feel the way they do.

The problem today is those types of debates are not allowed.  No one wants to hear how other people feel unless they feel the same as them.  It's just an echo chamber of confirmation bias.

Take politics, it doesn't matter what side of the aisle you are on, people gravitate to news sources that will tell the story with a lean to their chosen position.  No one seems to want to hear from the opposing viewpoint.

The news itself has become a overblown editorial page.  Back in the day (here I am sounding like an old guy), reporters would report a story focusing on the facts and allow the viewer (or reader) to formulate their own opinion.  But today the newsperson seems to feel their opinion is part of the news and always interjects it into their story.

If you made it this far into this post I'm proud of you for putting up with my little diatribe, and hopefully I won't lose you.  Because I consider you a friend no matter what your leanings are politically or socially.  And I respect your feelings.

But here I go.  I am a middle-aged white male.  I feel it is important to protect life from conception to natural death.  I support the existence of a Jewish state in the Middle East and its actions to protect itself from enemies that have the stated goal to try to exterminate Jews from the it face of the Earth.  I love the United States and think it is important to protect itself by enforcing just laws.

I could go on but I'm sure I have already upset many of you.  Believe me when I say that was not my goal in this post.  What I actually would love is for this post to encourage healthy discussion.  As I said I really want to understand why people believe the things they do.  And the only way to do that is to talk.  We have more ways than ever to have healthy conversations with message apps or Facebook comments.

I miss the days when we could just agree to disagree.  Friendship was based on finding commonalities in activity or interest.  And if friends had issues that could not be agreed on it was ok.  It was ok to make light of those differences of opinion and even joke about them.  The important thing was the mutual respect people had and enjoying their time together.

I think this has gone on long enough.  I do consider you all friends and hope the feeling is mutual.  I just needed to get this off my chest to get back to more lighthearted and (hopefully) positive posts in the future. 

S&F-The Solemnity of the Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ

Today we celebrate the presence of the body and blood in the Eucharist at every mass.  

I talk a lot about the reunification of the Christian churches under the Church that Jesus started.  I don't pretend to be an expert on the protestant schism, but I know that one of the things that separates us is the belief that the Eucharist is the actual body and blood of Jesus and not just a symbol.  More concerning, there was a survey several years ago that Catholics in levels up to 70% don't believe in the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.  Catholics thinking the Eucharist is a just symbol is misunderstanding one of the basic tenets of the Catholic faith.

Why do we believe in transubstantiation and the true presence of Jesus in the Eucharist?  I have heard of many proofs of this but the one I keep coming back to is part of the "Bread of Life" discourse in John 6.  Jesus said:

“Amen, amen, I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you do not have life within you."

Jesus's followers questioned this.  They asked “How can this man give us [his] flesh to eat?”  Some left him, not being able to accept this teaching.

Seeing his followers leaving, if the Eucharist was just supposed to be a symbol and not the actual Body and Blood of Christ Jesus would have said so here.  But instead he doubled down, repeating that we need to truly consume the Body and Blood of Christ to get eternal life.

Jesus asked the followers who remained:

   “Do you also want to leave?”

If I was asked that I would hopefully reply as Peter did.  "“Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.  We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”

I love the fact that I get to become one with Jesus every week at the mass in the Eucharist, the true Body and Blood of Christ. 

S&F-Prayer of the Week: The Sign of the Cross

This past Sunday we celebrated the Solemnity of the Most Holy Trinity.  So it only seems fitting to concentrate of the prayer proclaiming the Trinity:

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

The simplest of all prayers is one of the most important.  We say it all the time, both as part of other prayers and on its own.  It is the first prayer most children learn.

It draws attention to the first mystery of the church, a single God in three forms.  This is difficult for us to accept as humans.  And that's the beauty of it.  Having faith while not understanding is what shows God is worth our worship.  Is a God that could be explained really worth our worship?

I sometimes think when I pray who should I be praying to?  God-the Father, God-the Son, or God-The Holy Spirit?  But this short little prayer tells me it doesn't matter which part of the Trinity I address my prayers to.  Whether as the Father, Son or the Holy Spirit-God is listening.

S&F-I'm Listening

Over the past year there have been many times where I wonder why I got sick.  I believe that God doesn't do things without reason, so why am I fighting cancer?  Last afternoon was one of those times when I found myself thinking, "Why me?"

One of the things I have found over the past couple of years as I have become closer to God is that sometimes he tells me what I need to hear.  This week's second reading is one of those times where I feel like God was talking to me.

 "...We even boast of our afflictions,

knowing that affliction produces endurance,

and endurance, proven character,

and proven character, hope,

and hope does not disappoint,

because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts

through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us."

-Romans 5

Paul reminds me we can be proud of our afflictions because they can make us stronger.  Through strength, we improve character and be given hope-and this is all because of the love of God given to us through the Holy Spirit.

In my case, there were many time over the course of my life where I think I was being called to God and my response was always something like, "It's not the right time," or "Maybe next year."  I think God was sick of waiting for me and that's why he allowed me to get cancer.

When I was a kid I saw the altar servers every week.  Part of me felt the calling to become one of them, but I was a shy public school kid and never followed through.

When I was a teenager, God called me to the mystery of the Eucharist when preparing for Confirmation.  That could have been a signal that God had a mission for me in his Church.  But I wasn't ready to listen.

In the Navy God put me in a situation that I was responsible for the weekly Catholic services and the distribution of the Eucharist when we were at sea.  Obviously God was trying to get my attention for some increase in my vocation, but I wasn't ready to hear him.

I remember before I left the Navy I ran into a Religious Program Specialist.  Was God showing me I could still represent my Country and spread his word?  Maybe, but at that moment I really just wanted to move on with my life and do what I thought was best for my family.

God took my Dad before his time.  I was always proud of his conversion to the Catholic Church.  One of the first tings I committed to was to take his spot as a Eucharistic Minister as soon as I was able.  Was God calling be back again for something bigger?

Over the past 20 years I have continued to hear his call to become more involved in the Church.  I have heard him call me to join organizations in our parish.  Maybe next year.  I have even been been drawn to finding out if I could become a Deacon and be able to proudly preach with the Priest.  But I was not confident enough in myself to ever follow through and find out more about it.  Still not listening.

My life had become a series of calls from God.  Calls that I felt I wasn't ready for or wasn't worthy of.

Then I got cancer.  I feel, through my affliction, stronger.  Cancer has shown me my true character as a member of God's family.  I hope He calls me to whatever vocation or path he has for me.  Because, finally, I am ready to listen.

6/13/25-Getting Better?

Since I got sick I have heard a lot of people say things like, "You are looking better" or "I hope they figure out how to cure you."

I usually reply with a "Thanks."  I appreciate the thought, but downplay their notion.

The reality for someone with a chronic or terminal illness is that you never get better.  There are some days that are better than others, but in reality those days are just days when things didn't get worse.  A victory for someone in my situation is staying the same.

My life will never be what it was.  I realize that my days of running for 13 miles or getting on the bike and exploring the area for 2 hours are in the past.  I wanted to be the best engineer and get promoted.  I thought that doing things like that was my identity.  At least I thought it was.

But the good thing about cancer is that it really gives you the opportunity to figure out what is really important in life.  I'm a (average) husband.  I'm a (okay) father.  I'm (learning to be a better) Catholic.  I am a (bad) friend.

Those are the things that are really important and that I want to define me.  Cancer has shown me that.  Now I just need to get better at those things.  Hopefully, I can get rid of the part in parentheses.  I'm trying to at least.

So physically, no I'm not getting better.  And I never will.  But hopefully I'm a better person.  Or at least I am trying to be a better person than I was a year ago. 

 

S&F-Prayer of the Week: The Hail Mary

 The Hail Mary

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you;
blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

This week I am focusing on one of the most beautiful of our prayers, The Hail Mary.  The words were taken from the Gospel of Luke, combining the words of the Angel Gabriel with the tribute that Elizabeth said to Mary during the Visitation.

This prayer, both honors and venerates Mary, the Mother of God.

I wish we used this prayer more.  The part that really stands out to me when I say it daily as part of the Rosary is the last two lines.

I can think of no other time in life that is full of unknown than the last hours of our life before death.  No one knows what is next.  It must have a sense of fear.  And in this time I think we are vulnerable to the influence of Satan.  So who better to ask to bring us comfort and guidance to the next step in everlasting life than our Spiritual Mother, Mary.  

I will continue to pray to Mary.  I will hope she is there at the final moment of my earthly life.  I hope she is with you as well.

S&F-Happy Birthday to the Church

Today is Pentecost Sunday.  This is the day we celebrate the Holy Spirit coming down on the Disciples, giving them the power to start the Church.

In the 2000 years since then the Church has grown from a few hundred people to 1.4 billion.

In the early days of the Church in the Acts of the Apostles this is addressed.  One of the Jewish Leaders, a wise and respected member of the Sanhedrin, Gameliel, cautioned the Jewish leaders how they should treat the followers of Jesus.  He said that if Jesus's teachings were of a human origin, his followers will go away and it will destroy itself.  However, if this movement was from God, it cannot be stopped and the Jewish leaders might find themselves fighting against God.

Gameliel was truly wise.  The Catholic Church has grown.  Its membership has exploded all over the world.  If it was not God's Church that wouldn't have happened.  The Catholic Church is the true Church, started today with the Baptism in the Holy Spirit of 11 men, a Baptism we 1.4 million Catholics share.   

 

6/7/25-How We Deal with Suicide

Cindy told me Thursday is the 1 year anniversary of our first appointment with my oncologist.  That means it has been one year since our lives have been turned upside-down.  I have been reflecting on that year and there will be a post soon talking about my feelings, but this post is about something else that hit me this week, how our culture deals with death, specifically people who take their own lives.

I don't intend for this post to be another old man rant about today's culture, nor do I want it to be a post about my religious beliefs, but I am sure there will be some bits here where those things will come up.

Early this week, I was doing my daily time on YouTube, and I saw a CBS News story on a woman who has ALS.  The video chronicled her last 24 hours before she was prescribed a cocktail that would put her to sleep and give her a "peaceful and dignified" death.  It used the term MAID.  I had never heard that term before, but it stands for "Medical Aid In Dying" and is legal in about 10 states, with more coming soon according to the news story.

Later this week, I was reading Google News and saw a story about a person I knew of from TV that had died.  He was my age so I was curious what had happened to him.  The article said he had "Lost his battle with depression."  That confused me and I asked my family what that meant. I pretty much knew the answer, but I like to get a take from my family on questions of morality since they come from other backgrounds, ages and philosophies.  I just didn't see how a death certificate could list "depression" as a cause of death.  They all confirmed that he probably took his own life, but saying it that he lost a battle with depression is the accepted way of saying that so the article won't be flagged and can remain monetized.

Death is a part of life.  Its time we as a culture accept that.  Coming up with flowery terms to describe it doesn't change that everyone will face it someday.  Getting a doctor to give you a poison drink is euthanasia.  Losing a battle with depression is suicide.  Watching a YouTube video saying someone had chosen to "Self-delete" doesn't change what happened.

If we, as a culture, can't deal with death, specifically self-inflicted death, how are we ever going to help those who need it?  There seems to be a large number of people, based on polls, that are suicidal or looking for ways to die.  We need to let these people know that sometimes things might be bad, but there are people out there to help if they need it.  And hiding suicide under a different name doesn't do that.

I look at death not as a period, but a comma.  It is not the end of my life, but, because of my faith, the beginning of a new chapter.  But that doesn't mean I want this part of by journey to end.  I do remember a moment when my doctor talked about the option of physician assisted suicide.  California is one of the states where it is legal.  At that point we were thinking I had months to live.  I shut that conversation down quickly.  I am not one who is willing to think about ending my life before it is truly time.  That is God's will, not mine.

I am not judging those people who choose to end their own life.  Life is hard.  And some people think they need a way out.  I feel genuinely bad for them.  I just wish we could deal better with it as a culture.  If we call it what it is, suicide, rather than belittling it with other politically correct terms, maybe it will be harder for them to follow through.  We need to encourage them to get the help they need to deal with their demons.  Not hide behind language.

6/5/25-The Animaniacs

I just was reviewing some of my recent posts and realized that a lot of them have been downers.  I'm depressing myself reading them.  Hopefully this will be a more positive post.

Back in my early Navy days when I was in Nuclear Power School in Orlando the days were pretty long.  We had to be up early for breakfast and had morning military responsibilities.  The longest day part of the day was class.  We were basically in the classroom from 8am to 3pm.  The evenings were consumed by studying time back in the classroom (much of the stuff we learned was classified and couldn't be taken out of the class).  Most people had required study hours that they had to check in with the watch to get signed off.  Things like 15/5, meaning 15 extra hours a week spread out over at least 5 days was not unusual.  All that lead to a lot of time in the classroom.

It was definitely important to find somethings to do outside to distract yourself from the constant studying.  For me that was every weekday getting out of class and rushing straight back to my room to watch the WB Television station.  I watched the adventures of Babs and Buster Bunny in the Tiny Toons Adventures, but the real highlight was Animaniacs at 4:30.

The Animaniacs was a cartoon based on the fact that in the 1930's, looking for new new characters, the WB animators came up with the Warner Brothers and their Warner Sister-Yakko, Wakko and Dot.  They were so crazy they were locked into the studio Water Tower, never to be heard from again, until they escaped.  They basically ran amuck causing mischief all over the studio and greater Los Angeles.

They sung songs about history (Ballad of Magellan) and geography (50 States and their Capitals).  They met historical figures like Albert Einstein or made fun of Saddam Hussein.  They drove their psychiatrist to pull out his own hair.

Some of their gags don't meet the modern standard for political correctness, and that showed when they tried to reboot that show in the 2010's.  It just lacked the edginess of the original.

It was a welcome distraction from the stress of learning nuclear theory, thermodynamics and chemistry.  Especially knowing that after my hour of peace I'd get dinner and back to the classroom.

Most importantly when Cindy found out she had married a 22 year old who scheduled his day around watching a cartoon she didn't realize her mistake and leave me.

S&F-Prayer of the Week: The Our Father

 

I'm going to start spending my Wednesday posts focusing on a particular prayer and what it means to me.  There is no better prayer to start with than the prayer that when asked in Luke 11 to teach them to pray Jesus told them.

The Our Father

Our Father, who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name;

thy kingdom come;

thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread;

and forgive us our trespasses

as we forgive those who trespass

against us;

and lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

Amen

There is so much in this prayer.  In its simplicity it contains all we need to do to be close to God.  It seems like every time I reflect on it I see something I didn't before.

Today I am focusing on the line asking for God's forgiveness, while we will try to forgive those who have wronged us.  

Even the best of us on Earth are sinners.   St. Mother Theresa and Pope St. John Paul II realized they needed to ask for God's forgiveness often.  Dare I say none of us are as Holy as them.  We all have wronged God and need his grace.

But we also need to realize that part of getting God's grace is to give others grace.  Sometimes we need to turn the other cheek to whose who wrong us.  We have been asked by Jesus to love our neighbor as yourself.  And you can't have love without forgiveness.

I know I struggle daily living these statements.  But by accepting my faults and receiving the sacrament of Reconciliation I will try to receive his grace for my shortcomings and by giving my life to Jesus's will he will help me pass that grace onto others.

6/3/25-Entertain vs Preach

For someone with a blog that is littered with posts proclaiming his faith in God this post might seem a little hypocritical.  But here I go anyway.

In 2008 I saw Ironman.  My kids and I spent the next 10 years looking for the next chapter in the Marvel Cinematic Universe story.  We were even able to get Cindy invested in 2012 when she saw the Avengers.  We would go as a family to the theater see each movie.  We weren't the only ones who did this.  Based on the billions the movies made millions of people wanted to see what was going to happen next.  Not all the movies were great, but it seemed like the MCU could do no wrong.

Something happened shortly after the climax on Avengers: Endgame in 2019.  The MCU lost its way.  While the movies were making billions then, Disney celebrates a $300 million box office now.  They have projects coming out soon in Ironheart (Disney+) and The Fantastic Four in the movies.  And largely no one cares.  What happened?

I know the pandemic came at an unfortunate time but its been years since then and the MCU can't get back the momentum it once had.  I submit that the MCU forgot what made it successful-good, entertaining stories.  They, like a lot of the entertainment industry, have turned to virtue signaling and preaching.

It's not just Marvel.  Star Wars, which once was an unstoppable force (pun intended) is nothing compared to what it once was and is hit and miss at best.  I used to look forward to watching Doctor Who every Saturday night and it got ratings in the 10 million range.  Now it gets 10% of that and is facing cancelation.  Star Trek tried to introduce in the modern values only to be lambasted by forcing Discovery on the fans.

Sports faces the same issues.  ESPN is a shell of what it once was.  The NBA has lost a lot of the growth that Magic Johnson and Michal Jordan led it to.  The WNBA has never made money.  Even though it finally has a star it can build around in Catlin Clark still has its stars fighting her choosing to focus on her race instead of embracing her and allowing her popularity to make them all money.

People turn to entertainment industries like TV, movies and sports to be distracted from the stresses of the world.  A movie was a couple hours where you could leave the negativity behind you at the door and just concentrate on the having a good time.  Watching sports was a time to celebrate the athletic ability of exceptional people doing things we normal people could never do.  

Why do these entertainment giants not to listen to their fans and concentrate on entertaining?  In their hubris, they feel like they are superior to us and they should push their political or social opinions on us.  What they do not realize is that just because you are Disney or LeBron James you are not superior.  You might have a entertainment empire or great basketball skills, but that does not make your opinions special.  Until they get that message and go back to listening to their fandoms and go back to being entertainers we will continue to look elsewhere with our views and our money.  

S&F-Visitation and Ascension

This weekend is a dichotomy in the Catholic Church.  We get to celebrate two feast days.  Today is the feast of the Visitation and tomorrow we get to celebrate the Ascension.

In the Visitation we see the first time Jesus was recognized even though he was still in Mary's womb.  On Mary's arrival to see her cousin Elizabeth, she is celebrated as the Mother of the Lord.  Elizabeth's own unborn child "Leaps for joy" in the presence of the forthcoming savior.  It is the first time Jesus was recognized on Earth.

Although the actual feast is on Thursday, in order to allow everyone to celebrate, we observe the Ascension of Jesus into Heaven on Sunday.  In the presence of his followers Jesus was taken to be with the Father.  This was the last time he was recognized on Earth.

I think this weekend is like the bookends of Jesus's time as a man.  In his 33 years on Earth as a man he was able to change the world.  His time here continues to effect us 2000 years later.  He did have the advantage of being both divine and man, but who says we can't have an effect to the world as we know it today.

To quote Jesus himself:

"Go and teach all nations, says the Lord;

I am with you always, until the end of the world." -Mt 28

None of us is going to have the influence of Jesus, but we are called to proclaim the Gospel.  I think if we do with confidence Jesus will take care of the rest.

5/31/25-Losing a Friend

Although I have a great support group in my family in dealing with cancer, sometimes you need to talk to someone who is in the fight rather than a support person.

Some cancers like breast cancer have countless support groups subdivided by age, gender, severity, ethnicity, etc.  In my case, I haven't really found anything like that.

This week I was talking to someone at work who is fighting brain cancer.  He was a little down because while he also doesn't have a support group, he found someone online who was documenting his fight on Instagram that he was following.  That person recently passed away, and my friend felt like he had lost part of his support system even though he never had met this individual.

I emphasized with him.  I too loosely follow a person on YouTube who was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2021.  His videos were inspiring and positive.  I recently got far enough into his videos to see the end for him was coming and he finally passed away last summer.

He seemed a lot like me.  He was very fit.  He ignored his symptoms too long.  He was always looking for other holistic ways to treat his cancer and the side effects.  Familiar.

When the cancer finally took over his downfall was quick.  In just a couple of months he went from out exercising, experiencing life to bedridden and weak.  Its kinda scary seeing what might be your own future right there on YouTube.

I never met Dr. Dan Brockmann.  But I think we could have been friends, especially since we both were fighting and enemy that we never saw coming.  He lost his battle, and eventually I'll lose as well.  Hopefully, when my time comes I'll face my mortality with as much grace as he did.

5/26/25-Memorial Day 2025

Memorial Day is not about sales on tools and mattresses.  It is about remembering the people who gave their life to keep the country unified during the Civil War.

Memorial Day is not about grilling hamburgers.  It is about thinking of those soldiers who went to Europe in World War 1 to fight and die in the trenches defending a foreign country from tyranny.

Memorial Day is not about watching sports like the Indy 500 or baseball.  It is to honor those who died at Normandy or on beaches throughout the Pacific fighting fascism.

Memorial Day is not about getting a day off work.  It is about casting one's mind to those who left America to Korea or Vietnam to fight communism, never to return.

Memorial Day is not an opportunity to protest or to disrespect the United States.  It is a time to take into account the men and women who gave their lives to protect those rights.

This year we shouldn't thank a veteran for their service.  The day for that comes in November.

This year don't say "Happy Memorial Day."  Memorial Day is a solemn day for honor and reflection.  Instead lets say "Remember our fallen heroes."  Every single one of them who gave their life in defense of this country and its ideals is truly a hero in my view. 

S&F-Be Proud to be Chosen by God

I have always tried to keep my faith close to my heart.  I may write these "Shephard and Friend" posts, but even in them I try to tone it down and not push my beliefs on others.  I silently pray the Rosary sometimes at work or quietly thank God over my lunch.  I tone down my beliefs in order to not make others uncomfortable.

We have a new Pope.  I have discovered that part of having a new Pope is to learn what might be different in the way the new Pope will deal with situations and what he might concentrate on from the last Pope.

I heard a story this week about how Pope Francis and Pope Leo handled their initial meeting with the press.  After meeting with the press Pope Francis did not bless the people in attendance. Instead he choose to tell them because some of them were not Christian he wanted to respect and allow for different beliefs so he would not bless them, but he would pray for them.   On the other hand, Pope Leo chose to stick to tradition and ended this meeting with a blessing for all in attendance.

Both methods of dealing with the press have their pluses and minuses.  I think it is important to be respectful of people and their beliefs, but not at the expense of holding your personal feelings inside.  Pope Leo made sure that everyone knew he was going to evangelize during his Papacy.  Afterall, the only true way to the Kingdom of God is through Jesus and his Church.  So why should the Church's leader not proclaim that fact by blessing everyone?

I think I need to be proud of my faith.  I think I need to not be afraid to offend someone by making the Sign of the Cross over my lunch.  I think I need to not worry about making someone uncomfortable if they hear me praying the rosary.

Jesus has chose me.  Just like Jesus choose Pope Leo.  I am as much a Catholic as him.  I should use him as an example, and proudly proclaim my love and faith in Jesus and God.

5/25/25-The 3rd Wheel

I remember growing up and when it came time to pick teams for some sport at recess I was never picked first.  In class when we divided up into groups I was always in the middle of the room waiting for someone to ask me to be part of their project team.

It always made me feel a little bad to not be among the first picks to work with people.

I know what you are thinking. Maybe the team was for basketball so why would anyone pick the 4'6" guy?  Or maybe the project was a spelling bee so it was no surprise that people wouldn't want me to be in their group (if you could see the red lines for misspellings on these posts you'd understand).

But I think the real reason is that even though I had a lot of friends as a kid, I was always the third (or 4th or 5th) wheel.  Everyone had their best friend, but I was always that extra friend.

That being said, I don't blame anyone for that other than myself. I just wasn't good at making the connections at that level.

And that has continued into adulthood.  When I joined the Navy I did it alone.  That's good because in boot camp there were 80 other people who were in the same situation.  It was for survival to get close enough to a person that you could count on.  And for the first time I have someone that I would spend time away from the Navy with.  This feeling continued when I was stationed on the USS Hampton.  You had to make close friends to get through the day.  I think it would have been impossible to deal with the loneliness of being without some one to go to experience ports with.  Being away so much of the time made it easy to gravitate to people to share your frustrations with.  I had a close friend there as well that I would do things outside of work with.  In fact the first time I took Steve out as a baby was to lunch at Hooters with Don.

It was nice having someone to talk to and someone when something happened it was nice to have a person who I couldn't wait to tell.

But I haven't spoken to any of my Navy friends in close to 25 years.  My high school friends even longer.  It just goes to show that not only can I not make close friends, but I can't keep them either.

I hear about people I work with now going out and meeting up outside of work.  There may have been times when I had the opportunity to go as well.  But, again I let those opportunities pass.  I am good at excuses.

I submit that I am 53 years old and I have been to maybe 5 weddings in my life.  One of those was my own, and the others were for family members.  People just don't think of me as a person close enough to invite to something like that.

I'm not blaming anyone but myself.  Its just me being me.  And now that I can see the light in the tunnel it is probably too late.  You can't have lifelong friends when your life is coming to a close.

It would be unfair to not mention Cindy in this.  When she allowed me into her life she became my life-long best friend.  It's great being married to your best friend.  But sometimes I feel sad about that too.  She is so social and outgoing.  She has loads of friends.  I fear that over the past 30+ years some of my antisocial attitudes have rubbed off on her and she is missing out on a part of her life because of me, that I'm holding her back.  She'll deny it, of course, but that's how I feel.

I'm sorry this is such a sad and pathetic post.  But sometimes I feel sad and pathetic.  And one of those times is today.  

5/24/25-I'll Start that Next Week

As a committed procrastinator this might be the #1 motto of my life.  I can't count the number of times I have said I'll start my diet next Monday or I will start spring cleaning in order to weed out things I don't need of want only to see the calendar change to summer with no progress made.

One of the big things that frustrates me is the fact I have never ran a marathon.  I have "completed" many marathons.  But every time I went into them with a plan to take walk breaks throughout the 26.2 miles or run to a certain point then walk as needed to finish.  I ended every marathon with a combination of elation for finishing and disappointment that I was forced to walk portions of the marathon.  I think the furthest I made it running before I had to start walking was 16miles.  On the drive home (once I was able to sit in the car) I would always say to myself, "Next time I'm going to get a plan that will allow me to run the full distance."

But boy does training to run a marathon take a lot of time and effort.  I would have to rehash my diet- to support the miles I would need to run.  I would go into every week with the best intentions to watch what I ate and to do the work required to get in the shape I needed to run the full distance.  By Wednesday, I had messed that up and my feeling always was that the current week was a lost cause but I would do better next Monday, only to repeat the cycle.  Then the planned marathon would come up and, again, I would have to revise my goal to run the whole 26.2 miles with planned walk breaks.

I would finish with the grand plan to work on my diet and come up with a training plan to do the race again next year as a runner without being forced to walk.

After all there will always be a next year, right?

Well, in actuality, there may not be a next year.  In my case running, especially a marathon, is something that is beyond what my body can handle.  And I've come to accept I will never "run" a marathon.

I guess the lesson learned is that everyone has tasks or goals they want to accomplish.  It doesn't have to be a marathon.  Maybe its to travel and see something amazing.  Maybe its to meet a individual who has inspired you.  Maybe its to write a book.  It really doesn't matter what you want to accomplish, just realize that time is finite, so it is best to figure out what is important and make it a priority-come up with a plan and stick to it.

Take it from a career procrastinator, at some point there won't be a next week to postpone starting to.

Remember-"Life moves pretty fast.  If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it." 

5/18/25-In the Navy

In these posts I have talked about many people and situations in my life.  I realized I may have mentioned it in passing, but I have never really focused on my time from 1993 to 2003 when I, like the disco hit from the Village People, was "In the Navy."

In early 1993, I was struggling on what I wanted in life.  I made bad decisions on where to go to college and what to study.  I was going through life rudderless.

Then I watched Hunt for Red October.  I don't know why but I was drawn to life on a submarine.  So drawn that I decided to go to the recruiting office and see what I needed to do to get on a sub.

It moved pretty quick from there.  I took some tests and passed my physical.  The next thing I knew I was off to boot camp in sunny Orlando.

Boot camp was a struggle for me.  I made many mistakes due to my lack of attention to detail.  I was probably the worst marcher in the history of the Navy.  Luckily I was with 80 other people who were also struggling with being on their own for the first time and experiencing something they had never done before.  Luckily we were organized alphabetically and I made my first Navy friend, Matt Brimmer.  It was by his association that I made it to graduation.

I was disappointed that I was assigned to Machinist Mate "A" School after boot camp.  I thought I was going to be a reactor operator not a wrench turner.  Eventually I learned that the Navy knows what it was doing and I excelled in my training.  I was one of the highest scorers in Nuclear Power School and was chosen as class leader.

During my training I got married.  I guess I owe the ability to get married when I did to the Navy as well.

My follow-up training was in upstate New York.  I learned a lot there, and again did pretty well and was chosen to get extra training to be an Engineering Laboratory Technician, a nuclear chemist.  But mostly I learned I hate living in the winter snow.

I was eventually assigned to the USS Hampton in Norfolk, Virginia.  It seemed like I spent the next 5 years at sea.  Even when we were in homeport it seemed like I was always spending the night on the boat on duty.  It was a tough time, but I made friends who were also dealing with the same issues of being isolated.  We would spend hours passing time discussing useless things in the engine room on watch or hiding out when it was time for cleaning.  We would spend the little hours we had left playing cards or watching movies.  There were too many people to mention them all specifically here, but first ones that come to mind are Preston, Lube Oil Lenny, Batts, Big Don and of course, Don Golden.

I should have trusted the Navy when it came time for shore duty in the year 2000.  The Navy wanted to keep me in the nuclear power pipeline and go back to train new sailors.  But I decided to go into recruiting to get back to the West Coast.  I hated every minute of that.  It was selling a used car to people who really didn't want a car at all.  I was so soured on the Navy after dealing with that when it came time to move on it made my decision easier to move on back to civilian life.

Looking back I realize that the decision I made back in 1993 in that recruiting office was one of the most important things in my life.  It allowed me to get married and have a family.  It taught me skills that I use today in my current job.  It gave me experiences in seeing parts of the world I never would have.  The time I spent representing my country is one of the things I am most proud of.   

I joined the Navy because I thought I had no other choice.  I realize now the Navy made me who I am today.

S&F-Breaking the Seal of Confession

There is plenty to be frustrated about in the Government today.  Just spend 10 minutes on any social network site and you will be infiltrated by posts against the Government for doing something or not doing enough.  Personally I don't engage in these discussions, as I believe doing so only leads to more hate and discontent.  Those posts do not lead to any personal growth.

I have talked about my frustration with the secular world today and its feeling that it is okay to attack the Catholic Church without worry about people's feelings or beliefs (see my post on the Olympic Opening Ceremony). But now the State of  Washington has taken it to a new level.

In the last couple of weeks Washington has passed a law requiring Catholic Priests to report sexual abuse to the authorities if they are confessed during confession.

While I do feel for victims of sexual abuse or neglect, The United States was founded on the principle of religious freedom.  That was put into the 1st Amendment of the Constitution in the Free Enterprise Clause, guaranteeing the ability to practice religion without government interference.

Among the most important pillars of the Catholic Church is the feeling that what is said in the confessional is confessed directly to Jesus via the Priest acting in Persona Christi (the person of Christ).  What is said in there, regardless of the how severe or heinous, is locked under the seal of the confessional.  If a Priest breaks that seal he faces excommunication from the Church.

To force a Priest to break this fundamental belief as Washington State is shows a lack of understanding in how sacred this is to us as Catholics and the Priests in particular.  I believe Priests will go to jail before they break the seal of confession.  And, even though I try to not get involved in political issues, I would be among those protesting and fighting for his release.

If this law is allowed to be enforced it creates a slippery slope.  Why only confessions of abuse and neglect?  Why not other violent crimes?  Eventually can a Priest be forced to testify in crimes of theft?  Will Priests be called to testify in divorce court about adultery?  I don't think I am exaggerating here.

Right now this is focused specifically on the Catholic Church.  If we allow the government to impede on the religious rights in this instance, do we open up the door to removing other religious freedoms from other faiths as well?

If this law is enforced can the state eventually remove other privileged conversations as well?  What about attorney-client privilege?  Doctor-patient confidentially?  Maybe, but I think that if they did remove those protections there would be an uprising against it.  Or is it only ok to attack the Church's protections?

My hope is that this Washington State Law will be fought and struck down as Unconstitutional.  My hope is that it is never enforced.

We were settled by people looking for religious freedom.  We were founded on the idea of separation of church and state.  My hope is that we can get back to the respect to all religions, one of the things that makes this country great.  

5/17/25-My War on Cancer

Cancer is a fight.  It's a war.

In this war I am at the point where I have stopped the advance of the enemy.  We would be at a stalemate.  I have established a trench with the treatments I am using. The tumor has established its own front and is holding steady there.  Neither of us are winning the fight, we are just holding are line.

My weapons in the war are chemotherapy, radiation, multiple hospital stays and procedures to deal with the side effects that cancer has done to my body.  The question is could I be doing more?

I know there are many ideas for fighting cancer and other disease holistically through diet and non- traditional medications.  I've watched videos and purchased books explaining them.  Some of them think of cancer as a parasite and fight the cancer by treating it as such.  They definitely have interesting ideas. If this is a truly a war is it time to fight cancer from all fronts should I be trying those other methods?

I think if I'm serious about really fighting the disease I should be trying to fight the cancer using any method I can.  There are medications I could be taking that have shown some positive effects on the cancer by effecting the tumors blood supply.  I have seen videos correlates diets that remove inflammation such as keto or carnivore with tumor size decreasing.  Should I try them?

That is where quality of life comes in.  To do change my diet takes some level of commitment.  I need to really stick to it.  But I love junk food.  I love hamburgers and french fries.  Pizza is among the greatest thing ever invented.  In my mind, over the past year, I know that I could benefit from a stricter diet.  But a part of my mind thinks has the feeling that I'm dying, so why not enjoy the time I have left by eating the things I like?  That has led to me gaining back a lot of the weight I initially lost while I was in the hospital.

The idea of taking holistic medications takes a commitment to the belief that they would work.  My faith in them vacillates.  Sometimes I feel like I they are the way to go, especially if I can take them without disturbing the treatments I am currently using.  Sometimes I think why bother?

I know that if I do continue as I am with chemotherapy eventually the cancer will push back and eventually win.

So that's where my mind is now.  I face the dilemma of trying to fight back by opening up a new front against the cancer or accepting my fate and making the most of the time I have left.

It has been a difficult year.  I never thought I'd have to face decisions like this, at lest not for a while.  But all of life is a war against death.  And its a war we will all lose eventually.  The question is how long am I willing to fight?

5/9/25-A Guest Post

Hey all.  My name is Wade Wilson.  I am a pupper.  I sit and watch my Dad write in this blog thing all the time so I decided it might be time for me to try this blogging thing out myself.

I have been Dad's best friend for as long as I can remember.  Thinking back, we met outside a pet store a long time ago.  I was not sure about him, but he told me he would take care of me and for some reason I believed him.

We used to go on walks a lot and we even had plans to go on journeys together.  He told me that we could go out and drive somewhere (I love car rides) and explore the new area.  Think of all the new smells!  He said we could spend the night in his car (camping he called it) before we headed home.  I mostly just was looking forward to spending time with him.  Afterall, he is the Dad.

Unfortunately, something happened a couple of years ago.  Dad was always tired.  Our walks got shorter and less frequent.  He stopped talking about car camping trips.

He does his best to take care of me like he said he would.  He does say he is sorry about not being able to go on walks all the time.  And I know that if he could he would go back to the way things were.  But, as his pupper, I know it is my job now to take care of him.

After all we are best friends.  That means Wade is the best and Dad is his friend.

S&F-Apostolic Succession

In my opinion, one of the things that makes the Catholic Church special is the way we can trace our history back to its founder, Jesus Christ.  We can actually create a family tree through the bishops to the original Apostles and to Peter, the first Pope chosen by Jesus himself.  Every one of our Priests can trace their heritage back to someone close to Jesus himself.

Today the doors will be locked and we wait for the 267th Pope to be chosen.  Anyone who claims to know what happens behind those doors lies.  Of the College of Cardinals few have even been electors in a conclave before.  All Cardinals are sworn to secrecy under penalty of excommunication to not discuss any of the proceedings.

What we do know is that the Holy Spirit works through the electors to pick the Pope that Jesus choses to be the leader of his Church.  Just as 2000 years ago when He told a fishman named Simon he would be called Cephas (translated to Peter in Greek), meaning rock.  The rock on which he would build his Church.  And to him he would give the keys to his kingdom.  Whatever he was to bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

So in the next few days near the tomb where the remains of St. Peter rests, again Jesus will choose a man to lead the church.  On him he will bestow a new name, as he did to Simon.  This marks the end of this man's life as an individual and the start of his life as Peter's successor, the leader of the Church Jesus created.

S&F-Peter: The Imperfect Apostle

I think the best way to understand what I need to do to get to receive eternal life in Heaven is to look at the people who came before and are already there.  Who better to look to than the ones that Jesus himself choose, his Apostles.  If we can figure out what Jesus saw in them then maybe, we too, can figure out what to do so Jesus will choose us as well.

Who better to look towards than the one that Jesus choose to lead his Church, Simon Peter.  Afterall, if Jesus choose him to be the rock to build the Church on he must be the perfect example.

A lot is written about him in the Bible, so we do know much about him.  The surprising thing is he was far from perfect.

Peter was one of the Apostles with a family.  I'm sure there were times when he was torn between his responsibilities to his family as to Jesus.  I assume that his wife, whom we know little about, must have known and understood the importance of Jesus to allow Peter to continue in his ministry.  Afterall, behind every great man is an ever greater woman.

The thing I like most about the stories of Peter is his constant struggle with his belief.  You would think that the first Pope was immediately 100% faithful and always ready to defend Jesus.  Based on the bible this was not the case.  Peter was constantly confused by Christ's teaching.  He tried to show his faith, only to fail and to be brought beck by Jesus.  Remember, not only Jesus walked on water but Peter did as well, only to lose his faith and sink into the stormy waters.  Jesus tried to show the duty of his followers was to be a servant by washing his feet at the last supper only to have Peter misunderstand feeling he was unworthy to that treatment from the Christ.  He wanted to be next to Jesus at the Crucifixion, only to deny him 3 times.  Peter was not the perfect follower of Jesus, but he tried.

In the Acts of the Apostles something changed in Peter.  After receiving the Holy Spirit, he, along with the rest of the Apostles became proud of their faith, practicing it in the open.  They, led by Peter, healed countless people in Jesus's name.  And when they were questioned or even persecuted, they were no longer cowered in fear but confident in their convictions, delighted to share in a little of what Jesus suffered.

In Peter's case, he eventually went to Rome.  He was martyred by crucifixion, but feeling unworthy of suffering like Christ he was hung upside down.  His remains are at the foundation of the Vatican, truly the foundation rock of the Church he built in Jesus's name.

What do we learn from Peter?  The thing I get is that Peter was far from perfect.  He tried to understand Jesus, only to miss the point a lot.  He tried to show his faith, only to falter.  I have these same problems.  I don't understand the teachings of Jesus, my faith wavers at times.  But Jesus kept pulling Peter back, giving him another chance.  Jesus allowed Peter to fail, knowing this would make his faith stronger.  Jesus keeps pulling me back as well.  I just hope that eventually, with the intercession of the Holy Spirit, I can confidently proclaim my faith like Peter and the early leaders of the Church.

St. Peter, keeper of the keys to Heaven, rock of the Church, our first Pope-Pray for us.

5/5/25-See You at the Finish Line

Dad-

On this date 24 years ago we stood together on the grass near the start line of the Spring Sprint Triathlon at South Shores Park in Mission Bay.  I was getting ready to start my race when you told me, "See you at the finish line."  Little did I know you weren't talking about the finish line for that race, but the final finish line of life.

As I can see my finish line getting closer, I hope you are still waiting for me.  I can't wait to hear your special way of saying everything was "Super!"  I can't wait for us to catch up, maybe over a round of golf or something (do they have that up there?).

I hope when you look down on me you are as proud of me as a son as I am to call you "Dad."

See you soon.

Love-Matt

5/4/25-Is There Anybody Out There?

Over the years I have started many blogs.  Some have been for tracking my workouts or races (boy, that seems like a different life).  And when ever I did I would think to myself, What can I do to get more readers?  

Things like changing the look of the blog or the blog platform always came up.  I would think about changing to a photo blog where the posts would just be a daily picture with a quick caption.  I tried that one for a time.  One time I thought about doing a video blog where I would take a camera with me and comment while I worked out on my runs.  I never did that, thank goodness.

But in all my blogs I eventually got frustrated because I didn't have any followers.  Granted, I wasn't publicizing my blog at all, because I didn't know how to do so and didn't want to take the effort to do so.  My friend group was (and is) so small that I really didn't have an easy way to let people know I was even around.  And my best friends couldn't even read, since they are dogs. 

So, eventually, every blog just died.  I would lose interest in just talking to myself and stop writing.

I was thinking yesterday about this blog.  I know how many readers I have.  Is my time worth it to write my feelings down for 10-15 people?

It my not seem like I spend much time on these posts, because I'm sure they are riddled with spelling and grammatical errors, but I do.  I probably spend at least an hour thinking about, composing and editing each of these.  So I ask again, is this even worth my time?

To be honest, I would like more people to be reading these posts.  While I do believe myself to be a pretty humble person (we can debate that separately), I do have some vanity deep in me and would love to think I have people who look forward to reading my little blog.  And over the life of this blog I have seen the number go from small at the beginning to basically insignificant today.

So, what is my point here?  Is this blog going to fade into nothingness like all my past attempts at blogs?  No, I don't think so.  In some ways this blog is cathartic for me in dealing with my mortality.  But I would love some feedback from those few of you out there on the blog itself.  What can I do to make these posts better?  Are they too long?  Is the organization on blogspot to hard?  Is mixing the religious posts turning you off?  Are the posts too frequent?  Are they not frequent enough?  Basically, what can I do to make you want to come back and read my thoughts?

I don't want this blog to disappear like all my other attempts at blogging have.  I need this blog for my well being.  And I am afraid, based on the past blogs, if I don't get some feedback, I might just naturally let it fade out.  So, please, let me know you are out there.

S&F-Waiting for Healing

 

Today is the Feast of James the Lesser, and he is my inspiration for this post.

In my year with cancer, I have prayed harder and tried to become closer to Jesus and the Church.  I have read the Bible and know of numerous cases where Jesus cured the sick and even raised people from the dead.  Even after he rose to Heaven Jesus, through his followers, continued to heal the sick and lame.  There are stories of miraculous healings to this day from all sorts of ailments.

So why does Jesus, not heal me?  I'm a good guy.  At least I think I am.

Over the last several years I have become engrossed in the series "The Chosen."  It is the story of the life of Jesus and his Apostles during Jesus's ministry and eventually his death.  Admittingly, this is not a retelling of the Gospels, for the sake of the story they have taken some liberties by adding some characters backstories.  They don't refute the Gospel itself, but some of these stories are not in the Bible.  I make an effort to figure out which stories are Biblically accurate and which ones are Hollywood stories.  I do believe that the stories they add do meet the spirit of what Jesus would have done, so I'm ok with those fictional liberties.

One of the people who I really like in the show is the character of James the Lesser (played by Jordan Walker Ross).  He was one of Jesus's original 12 Apostles.  The bible doesn't say much about him other then he was called "The Lesser" to differentiate him from James, the brother of John.  The Chosen made him have a limp (mostly because the actor playing him is disabled).

In one of the season 3 episodes James askes Jesus why he heals everyone but allows him to suffer with his limp.  Jesus (Johnathan Roumie) tells him that he is seen and appreciated by God as he is.  Jesus tells him that having his disability can actually magnify God's goodness in the world's eyes.  It shows God is good even when he doesn't heal us.

Biblically little is known about the life of James.  Tradition tells us he was the first Bishop of Jerusalem, and was the author of the Epistle of James.  He was at the Council of Jerusalem about conversion of Gentiles.  As a witness to the Resurrection he is a pillar of the Church that Paul consulted about the Gospel.  AS Bishop of Jerusalem he was revered for his deep faith and prayer.  He was so respected that his followers took to calling him James the Just.  For fear of his influence he was thrown from the Pinnacle of the temple after refusing to deny Christ.  He miraculously survived only to be stoned and clubbed to death.

I, like James in the show, wish for healing every day.  But I understand that God has a purpose for me and maybe that doesn't include healing.  Maybe it is by my suffering that I can better get his better out.  I don't think my future includes stoning, but I can use him as an example of embracing what Jesus has in store for me.

Little James-pray for me.

5/2/25-The Conclave

If you clicked on this expecting a new series in my blog with movie reviews, I'm sorry to disappoint you.  This is going to be about choosing the next Pope.  I was originally going to label this as a Shephard & Friend post, but choosing a Pope is something that effects everyone, not just Catholics.

In my lifetime there has been four Papal Conclaves.  However this is the first one I really have paid any attention to.  The Catholic Church is facing issues with modern secularity, so this election could be important.  Popes seem to be chosen to respond to what issues are facing the Church at the time. What type of Pope does the Church need when the Cardinals lock the doors to the Sistine Chapel next week?

I looked up the requirements and it appears that any Baptized Catholic male is eligible.  I know someone who meets those requirements, me.  While I would have to take a pay cut and I would have to move to Italy, if I got the call next weekend I would have to do my duty as a Catholic and go.

It's unlikely that I will have to come up with a Papal Name, though Pope Stephen XI would probably be my choice for the first martyr of the Church, so I guess I have to trust the Cardinal Electors to choose the right person.

Through history there have been bad Popes and good Popes.  The Cardinals, guided by the Holy Spirit, choose the person who the Church needs to lead us through the time.  Over the last 100 years there have been Popes to lead us through wars (Pius X, Benedict XV and Pius XII), Popes to reform the Church (John XXIII, Paul VI, and Francis), fight communism and enter a new millennium (John Paul II) and focus on foundational theology (Benedict XVI).  Though every Pope has has detractors, in all cases those were the Popes that were required at the time.

I know the type of Pope I would like to see, but it pride and hubris to think I know better then the Holy Spirit what the Church needs.  Jesus built the Church on the Rock of Peter and it has lasted 2000 years based on that foundation.  It will continue long after I'm gone.

I realize this post may have become a little preachy, but I do think its is important for everyone out there, regardless of their faith, to either pray or just hope for the right person to be chosen in the next week or two.  The Pope is one of the most powerful leaders we have and can influence the world on a scale beyond just the Catholic Church.

I will be following next week when the doors are locked and be looking for the white smoke and listening for the bells of  St. Peter's Basilica.  I will celebrate when I hear the words: "Habemus Papam!" and see who walks out on that balcony.  Maybe it not be the Pope I was expecting, maybe not the Pope I wanted, or maybe he will be, but he is the Pope and I will respect him as the leader of my Church.

Oh-and by the way-there is no way I would ever watch the movie "The Conclave."  So no review coming.

4/30/25-The State of Cancer

Based on the warnings on the Proposition 65 warnings on everything here California must be the State of Cancer.

But that's not the definition of state of cancer I was referring to here.  Where are we as a society in treating and curing cancer?

A year ago I knew almost nothing about cancer.  We had to learn a little about it in nuclear power school, but other than that I was ignorant.  I didn't even really know very many people who had delt with cancer.

That has all changed over the past year though.  I'm still pretty ignorant, but do know some people who have dealt with and are still dealing with various forms of cancer.  I know people who have died from it.  I know family members of cancer patients.  I know oncologists.

So what have I learned?  We are a long way from curing cancer.  We are a long way from truly understanding cancer's causes (even though the State of California seems to think its everything).  We really don't even know the best way to treat cancer.

I have done chemotherapy, both via IV and in pills.  I have done a month's worth of radiation.  I get the impression we are just throwing things at a wall and seeing what might stick, but we really aren't treating the cancer.  I've had scans and we really don't know if anything is working.

I know that early diagnosis is the key to cancer treatment.  We seem to be trying to get better at this with mail order colon cancer screenings and periodic mammograms.  But until we can figure out what really causes cancer we are just trying to catch something before it gets out of hand and untreatable.    And there are so many forms of cancer we can't screen for them all.

We all took a shot a few years ago that altered our RNA.  Was any thought given to the long term effects of that changing how our DNA reproduces might have an effect on how our cells work and may lead to cancer increases.  Why was there no Proposition 65 warning on that shot.  But I digress from the political.

Then there's the disagreement on cancer itself.  I have read articles on the thought that cancer should be treated as parasitic and treated by dietary interventions to decrease inflammation and the like.  Those treatments sound interesting to me and some can be done while undergoing chemo and other treatment methods.  So why did I not hear anything from my doctors on this idea?

It's because we are nowhere near understanding anything about cancer it's causes or its treatment.  We have been in a war with cancer for over 50 years.  We still don't understand the enemy we are trying to fight against.  We are losing that war.  And I see the victims every time I go to treatment or to see my oncologist.  We see the victims in those left behind.

We have a big world with all the nearly unlimited resources to fight this war against the enemy growing in us.  I hope someday we really invest in this war and can figure out what we need to do, either in prevention, treatment or cure.  But, to be honest, I have my doubts.  Until we do cancer will continue to win.  And eventually it will get us all.    

S&F-What if I disagree with the Catholic Church?

The Catholic Church has said that the death penalty should be outlawed.  Basically, as I understand it, we on Earth should never sit in judgement on someone's life regardless of what they might have done.

I have to admit I struggle with this.  As I see it if someone chooses to take a life in anger they should give up their right lo live themselves.

And that's hard for me.  I really try to follow the guidelines of the Church.  While I would never take a life and I'm not sure if I could vote to put someone to death if I was ever on a jury and had the power to do so, I have a hard time with allowing a murder to live after they ended the life of another.

So what do I do?  If this was 500 years ago, I might just look to leave the church and form my own religion.  In some way I'd find myself in the same situation as Henry VIII who broke away from the Catholic Church because they wouldn't allow him to divorce.  The founded the Anglican Church.  Or I could see myself as Martin Luther who broke away from the Church founding Lutheran Church because he had issues with indulgences the Church was giving.  These are oversimplifications of the situations, but they are examples of times that people were unhappy with the Church so they looked to reform the Church by separating themselves from it.  There are more examples of schisms in the church, but that's not what I want to reflect on.

So what do I do when my personal feeling disagree with the Catholic Church.  There have been many times over the past few years as I investigated my faith where I either didn't understand the views of the Church or even flat out disagreed.  But I choose to dig deeper into my faith and understand why the Church makes the declarations as they do.  Sometimes I still don't agree.  But then I pray and reflect.  I look to the foundations of my faith and realize that I can live with the difficulties of dealing with some of the things I might not necessarily agree with.  I can do this because I believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior.  That's what's really important.

And that's what I pray for.  I have heard there are 30,000 sects of Christianity.  That's a lot.  This allows people to shop around for a church that they like.  Or the best singing.  Or one that has the best coffee bar in the foyer as they enter (ok, maybe if being facetious with that one).  These churches talk negatively on each other trying to be become the biggest and best church.  Some focus on going after the Catholic Church's adoration of Mary or transubstantiation of the Eucharist as evidence of heresies in their view.

I pray that someday all Christians can look at their similarities rather than their differences.  We are all united in our faith that Jesus was our savior and gave his life for us.  That's what the word Christian means.  The ship has probably long since sailed to unify us under one Church (although I'd love for that to happen), but there is no reason we cannot be united in the foundations of our faith and figure out a way to live together.  God willing we will all be together in Christ someday in heaven.  We just need to figure out a way to get along here on Earth.

4/27/25-You've Got a Bad Friend In Me

If you haven't seen Toy Story, you totally should.  Its almost 30 years old now and still holds up as one of the best movies I have ever seen.

But this is not going to be a review of a movie from a movie that came out in the 1990's.

The theme song from the movie was by Randy Newman (I think this is my second post inspired by him...hopefully he doesn't expect royalties from me using him as an influence for my writings) called "You Got a Friend in Me."

I have had many friends over the years.  I have had people who have helped me through tough times.  Friends who I could talk to.  Friends who truly understood me.

And, looking back, it occurs to me I'm probably the worst friend to have.  Because I have never made the effort to maintain friendships.  Today, at 53, I don't think I can say I have close friend.  And that's my fault.  I'm a bad friend.

I tend to close the book on parts of my life once they are over.  I have moved on from childhood, school, the Navy.  And when I move on, I forget about the ones who were really important in getting me through those times.  And that's just not right.

Even today, people I work with have invited me to do things on weekends.  And I seem to always have an excuse to not be a friend and take them up on their offer.  Old friends have been visiting the area.  If I was a better friend I would have seen those times as an opportunity to rekindle our relationship.  But bad friends like me always find a reason to not make the effort.

If I was a better friend I might even make the effort to see those people myself.  I could drive to Orange County.  I could fly to Pennsylvania.  But I am such a bad friend I can't even find the time to call an old friend who might live a few miles away and see if they want to catch up.

I'm not going to mention all the friends here, because I don't want to risk forgetting anyone.  But I do want to say to all of you out there I do miss you all.  Thank you for your friendship.  And most of all I'm sorry for not keeping in touch and letting that relationship die.

Rest assured I do consider you all my friends still, even if you are stuck with a "Bad Friend in Me."

S&F-"Sede Vacante"

My Latin lesson for the day. "Sede Vacante" means "The seat is empty."  Specifically, this week that seat refers to The Chair of St. Peter.  It means we have no Pope.

It has been almost a week since Pope Francis died.  I have used this week to reflect on my feelings during this time when we have no Pope.

My first feeling when I heard the Pope had died was to pray for him and his soul.  I assume that Popes get to use an express lane to get to the Gates of Heaven for their judgment but even though Pope Francis was a loving and humble man he can still use our prayers as he faces his final judgement.  I hope that when my time comes I also get those prayers.

Unfortunately, it wasn't too long before my thoughts turned to the future of The Church.  To be honest I struggled with Pope Francis.  I found some of the things he said confusing.  He seemed afraid to make a statement that might hurt some people's feelings even if The Church's teachings have been clear on some facts for 2000 years.  I would never go as far to call Pope Francis heretical, but some of his writings seemed contrary to The church's traditions.  I believe his legacy is one of confusion and unclarity.

So this week, a week I should have been thinking of the Pope's soul, I found myself looking forward to the possibility of a different type of Pope.

This is wrong for two reasons.  Not only should I have been reflecting on the soul of Pope Francis, but I need to remember that the Roman Catholic Church is not a political entity.  We complain about our political leaders.  But the Church is led not by men, but by Christ.  How can I, as a lowly human, ever question the direction of the Pope who is leading the Church on Earth as the Holy Spirit guides him?

That is my pride coming out.  One of the seven deadly sins.  I need to realize that I don't know more than the Lord.  I may not like the Pope, but I do need to love him.  And I need to have the humility to accept that whoever the Pope is, he was chosen by the Holy Spirit, through the Cardinals, as the Pope the Church needs at the time.

I look forward to, what I think, is one of the two best things that I as a Catholic, experience.  Along with the physical presence of Jesus in the Eucharist, we have the gift of Reconciliation in confession.  I realize my guilt in my feelings this week about the Pope's passing.  I feel bad about my hubris and pride in thinking I know what is best for the Church.  But in confession, I will be forgiven for that and any of my other sins.  And in this I can be closer to Christ.

If you are Catholic, I encourage you to get to confession.  It might have been years since you last confessed your sins.  I know it's not easy to go to confession.  I used to feel this way.  I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know the prayers.  It's hard to be vulnerable enough to tell someone else what you did that was wrong.  But, rest assured, the Priest will help you through it.  And, most importantly, with God's grace you will feel better afterwards.

Finally, I do want to say a final prayer for Pope Francis as he was laid in his tomb early this morning.  The Basilica of Mary Major of may be the final resting place for his physical body, but I know that his soul rests in the bosom of heaven with all who went before him.  He gave his life to God and the Church, served faithfully and practiced humility.  He should be an example of how we should all lead our lives.  I don't say good bye to our Spiritual Father, Pope Francis, but I say see you someday when I too, will be at Heaven's Gates.  May I live the rest of my life with Pope Francis as a guide so I can join him, eternally one with Christ.