5/25/25-The 3rd Wheel

I remember growing up and when it came time to pick teams for some sport at recess I was never picked first.  In class when we divided up into groups I was always in the middle of the room waiting for someone to ask me to be part of their project team.

It always made me feel a little bad to not be among the first picks to work with people.

I know what you are thinking. Maybe the team was for basketball so why would anyone pick the 4'6" guy?  Or maybe the project was a spelling bee so it was no surprise that people wouldn't want me to be in their group (if you could see the red lines for misspellings on these posts you'd understand).

But I think the real reason is that even though I had a lot of friends as a kid, I was always the third (or 4th or 5th) wheel.  Everyone had their best friend, but I was always that extra friend.

That being said, I don't blame anyone for that other than myself. I just wasn't good at making the connections at that level.

And that has continued into adulthood.  When I joined the Navy I did it alone.  That's good because in boot camp there were 80 other people who were in the same situation.  It was for survival to get close enough to a person that you could count on.  And for the first time I have someone that I would spend time away from the Navy with.  This feeling continued when I was stationed on the USS Hampton.  You had to make close friends to get through the day.  I think it would have been impossible to deal with the loneliness of being without some one to go to experience ports with.  Being away so much of the time made it easy to gravitate to people to share your frustrations with.  I had a close friend there as well that I would do things outside of work with.  In fact the first time I took Steve out as a baby was to lunch at Hooters with Don.

It was nice having someone to talk to and someone when something happened it was nice to have a person who I couldn't wait to tell.

But I haven't spoken to any of my Navy friends in close to 25 years.  My high school friends even longer.  It just goes to show that not only can I not make close friends, but I can't keep them either.

I hear about people I work with now going out and meeting up outside of work.  There may have been times when I had the opportunity to go as well.  But, again I let those opportunities pass.  I am good at excuses.

I submit that I am 53 years old and I have been to maybe 5 weddings in my life.  One of those was my own, and the others were for family members.  People just don't think of me as a person close enough to invite to something like that.

I'm not blaming anyone but myself.  Its just me being me.  And now that I can see the light in the tunnel it is probably too late.  You can't have lifelong friends when your life is coming to a close.

It would be unfair to not mention Cindy in this.  When she allowed me into her life she became my life-long best friend.  It's great being married to your best friend.  But sometimes I feel sad about that too.  She is so social and outgoing.  She has loads of friends.  I fear that over the past 30+ years some of my antisocial attitudes have rubbed off on her and she is missing out on a part of her life because of me, that I'm holding her back.  She'll deny it, of course, but that's how I feel.

I'm sorry this is such a sad and pathetic post.  But sometimes I feel sad and pathetic.  And one of those times is today.