10/3/24-Fast or Slow

One of the memories I have of when my Dad died is the doctor saying if he survived he would have probably needed a heart transplant.  This would have led to a major change in his lifestyle.  I'm sure he would have adapted and done everything to make sure he enjoyed life.  If there is one thing you can say about Dad is he was a pretty positive, happy guy.

Alas, none of that happened.  He had a heart attack during a the swim portion of a triathlon.  He was probably gone before they were able to pull him from the water.  A quick death for sure.

Now that I face my mortality, I am dealing with the opposite.  A slow journey down that tunnel with the light at the end.  I am being asked to make those life changes.  And it's hard. I consider myself a pretty active person-at least I was.  But now I am faced with the reality that not able to do what I was used to do or what I want to do.  And so much of my identity was tied to me being out and active.  So its hard for me to accept my limitations.

That's part of the problem though, I really don't feel bad.  I'm tired.  And I it seems like I am always doing some sort of procedure or heading to the doctor.  But most days I feel like I could work.  I feel like I can exercise.  What is missing is the drive and desire to do so.  I just sit around feeling sorry for myself waiting for news from the doctors, expecting it to be more bad news.

That might be the worst part of dealing with a long term illness.  The mental part.  It's like I'm a totally different person than I was 6 months ago, with problems I didn't anticipate and limitations I didn't expect.

So that leads back to the question that I think about a lot.  Would I rather have died quickly like my Dad, or struggle with a long-term illness like I am?  I really don't know the answer to that question.  I hate feeling depressed and sorry for myself.  I hate not being able to do some of the things that make me happy.  But knowing that my time is limited has allowed me to appreciate the things I took for granted before.  I feel closer to my family.  I understand better my relationship with God.

My hope is that I will somehow beat this.  That would allow me to get my lifestyle back, while still being able to appreciate the things I took for granted before.  But only time will tell if that's realistic.  And that's what we should all think about, time.  Both appreciate the time we have lived and make the best of the time we have left.