Accepting Sinfulness

It seems to me that today people accept sin.  They feel as if they are entitled to whatever makes them happy and will do whatever they want to get it with no remorse or concern for others.

We look up towards celebrities, politicians and athletes knowing that most of them have faults.  They may be cheating on a spouse, problems with the law or using drugs.  The list could go on from there.

I realize I am  generalizing here. I'm not saying everyone is like this but our culture does not seem to have the morality it one did.  We just accept behaviors that 100 years ago would have been condoned.

I have been reading C.S. Lewis lately.  He is most famous for “The Chronicles of Narnia,” but he also wrote much about what it means to be a Christian.  At some point he stated that if people are accepting of sin and commit sin without remorse, there is no need for a Savior, no need for Jesus, who died for our sins.

So what can we do to change the culture of selfishness and sin we face today?  We need to carefully choose the people we look up to.  We can read about strong, moral people in history.

We need to realize that none of us is perfect and we all sin.  But when we do we need to show remorse.  As a Catholic we need to confess our sins.

Mother Teresa (now a Saint) went to confession weekly.  I'm quite sure a nun who devoted her life to the poor in India sinned way less than I.  So if she felt the need to confess her sins weekly, is it too much to ask for me to go to confession more often?

10/31/24-All Hollows Eve

I am not a holiday person.  And one holiday that I have never understood is Halloween.  Kids dress up and go door to door begging for sugar.  That's great for our childhood obesity problem.

And residents feel obligated to either sit out in front of their house handing out candy, or worse getting up every 5 minutes to answer the door.

Don't get me wrong, it's adorable when a 6 year-old comes to the door dressed as Ironman or a Princess.  I'm not totally heartless (despite what you might hear from my wife).  But watching a 17 year-old walk the streets after dark with a pillowcase ain't cute anymore.  It's borderline creepy.

So my normal Halloween routine is to turn out the lights and pretend I'm not home.

So what am I doing tonight?  I'm dressing up and passing out candy to kids.

Why would I do something as a 52 year old that I would have never done before?  I think when you realize your mortality and that there might not be many Halloweens left you want to see what people love about this holiday.  Basically experience everything you can when you still can.

With any luck there will be lots of cute kids and no weird teenagers.  

10/30/24-Blog Update-Starting a Second Blog

Just a quick blog update.

When I started this blog I made a commitment to myself to make sure I did my best to be a place where I could get my thoughts and feelings out there.  I told myself I didn't care if people actually read the blog, but to be honest I like to hear people are actually reading the blog and sometimes are getting something out of it.

As part of that to make sure the blog was easy for all to read I realized there are some topics that might become contentious, namely politics, religion and money.

That being said I have started a separate blog that focuses on my faith.  My belief in Jesus is also a very important part of my life.  The second blog is available from my original blog by the tab at the top "Shepherd and Friend."  I will not link this blog to my Facebook, but if you want to know when I update the religion blog I think I can create an email list to let you know.  If you want to be included let me know and I'll see what I can do.

The general blog will continue as always.

Thanks to all that are reading my stuff.  It means a lot to know that people are wading through my thoughts.

13th Apostle? Is This Position Available?

 

Jesus chose the 12 Apostles from his friends.  Then, after the Judas betrayed Jesus, the other Apostles needed to choose a replacement.

They chose Matthias as the next Apostle.  I don’t think much is known about Matthias, but he was present at the descent of the Holy Spirit on Pentecost.   I’m not sure if that makes him the 13th Apostle or just the new 12th.

Then on the road, Christ, in a vision, chose a Roman who was known as someone who persecuted early followers of the church to be his evangelist.  Following his conversion, St. Paul devoted his life to spreading the word of Jesus.  A large part of the New Testament is attributed to his writings.  He is sometimes called the 13th Apostle.   

In both of these cases, becoming the 13th disciple means surrendering all that we want to control, all that makes us comfortable and secure, and trusting Jesus to do something miraculous in and through our lives that will change the world.

Which leads me to think, can I become the 13th Apostle?  I don’t expect the Holy Spirit to descend on me in a tongue of fire or Jesus to come to me in a vision telling me to go on missionary journeys spreading God’s word.  And I’m pretty sure over the 2000 years since the original 12 there have been many people more deserving to be listed as the 13th Apostle than I could ever become.

But what I can do is aspire to become someone who does follow the example of the Apostles.  I can trust in Jesus, putting my life in his hands.  I can trust that He knows what is best for me and will allow me to do something that may change the world even in some small way.  What that change may be only He knows.

I believe that’s what we all need to do.  Trust in Jesus.  He is our savior and our friend.  He knows what is best for each of us.  All we need to do is talk to him through prayer.  He is always listening.

St. Jude: The Patron Saint of Desperate Situations and Lost Causes

The feast day of St. Jude Thaddeaus, or more commonly just Jude, was yesterday October 28th.  On the occasion, I decided to learn a little more about him.  One of the 12 Apostles, He was a relative of Jesus-a cousin.  His brother was also one of the 12, James the Lesser.  He is credited with a book of the bible.

Unfortunately, little more is known for sure about Jude after the resurrection.  It is believed he preached the bible in many places following Jesus’s Ascension before dying as a martyr.

He is the Patron Saint of the disparate situations and lost causes.  When I was told I had cancer I felt like a lost cause. In the months that have been a roller coaster of hope followed by periods of pessimism.  There have been times when I felt like a lost cause, worthy of prayers from St. Jude.

“Most holy Apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, I place myself into your hands at this difficult time.  Help me to know that I am not alone.  Please pray for me, asking God to send me comfort for my sorrows, bravery for my fears, and healing for my suffering.”

• So yesterday, at the beginning of chemotherapy, on The Feast Day of St Jude, I prayed directly to him.

• Saying this prayer made me think of all the people in the surrounding rooms, getting their own infusion.  Why should I only pray for my healing? So the next hour I extended my prayer to include them.  

• On the way out I looked back at the hospital and I realized there are hundreds of people in there dealing with their own sufferings.  So the next time I prayed for his intercession I included the whole hospital.

• In the evening I realized that there is much suffering in the world and many people who are more of a lost cause than I am.  I closed out the night asking for St. Jude to comfort all that are suffering.

I will continue to do this, ask for St, Jude’s intercession, but not only for me but for all who through physical pain and suffering feel they are a lost cause.  That they will not only find relief from their ailment, but find comfort through St. Jude and his cousin Jesus’s presence.

When Jesus Called His Apostles Would He have Called Me?

Today's readings include one of the most simple of the Gospels. Luke just basically reads the roll of the list of the 12 Apostles.  If I was there would my name have been called?

When Jesus chose his Apostles, he didn't call the best educated. He didn't look to influential political leaders. He didn't call religious leaders.

Jesus called the common man. Many of the people he chose to build his church were from many different walks of life. None were perfect.  Some had many faults.

If I were there would Jesus have called me one of his Apostles? I am far from perfect.  I have many faults. It seems like I meet the qualifications he was looking for, a fixer upper. Someone Jesus can form through his teachings to what he needs.

But I wasn't there, so Jesus didn't call me to be part of his 12.  But that doesn't mean he isn't calling me.  Maybe I was just a little late…2000 years late.  Jesus is calling me today to profess his message.

He might have been calling me years ago and I didn't hear him. Or maybe I wasn't ready to be summoned until today.  But I am listening now.

And I plan to use the rest of my time on Earth working to be his Apostle.  I can't be one of the original 12, but that doesn't mean I can't try to emulate them in being a faithful follower of Jesus.  And professing his glory to all who will listen.

10/28/24-The Boyz

I have struggled with writing about the boys here.  Who should I write about first?  Whomever I choose to add to t3e blog first might think that means I like them better or they are more important to me.  Or maybe they might think its better to be second because I was saving the best for last.  So I have decided to make this post about both of them.  And in order to protect their feelings I will be using fake names, Jeave and Steff.

Things I love about Jeave:

• Dependable
• Caring
• Hard Working
• Funny
• Creative
• Confident
• Honest
• Empathy
• Flexibility
• When faced with the opportunity to wrestle in high school he showed drive and determination to work hard in a sport he was relatively unfamiliar with.  This includes the will power and self control to "make weight."  I wish I had his level of self confidence.  

Things I love about Steff:

• Dependable
• Caring
• Hard Working
• Funny
• Creative
• Confident
• Honest
• Empathy
• Flexibility
• When faced with a tough life altering medical issue as a teenager he dealt with it better than most adults.  When I found out I was sick, I knew I could deal with it if I just used him as a model.

I like the fact that when there is a stumbling block in the house they pull together and work hard to get the issue resolved.  They are dependable.  I know if they ever needed to take care of Cindy or I they would do whatever they needed to do.

The thing I like about them the most is the closeness they have for one another.  I love to hear them in their rooms talking about football, or some Xbox game.  I hope that they will continue to best brothers and best friends for the rest of their lives.

When I found out I was going to be a father I was worried I wouldn't be a good Dad.  I don't know if I am or not, but I know I have two great kids.  And I am proud of them.  I can't wait to see all the things they will accomplish in their lives.

(By the way-if you figure out which kid is Jeave and which is Steff, don't tell them.  I don't want either of them to worry about which one is my favorite.  I don't want to wound their delicate Gen Z feelings). 

 

10/25/24-Weekend Update

 

As a teen I really enjoyed Saturday Night Live.  Watching the senseless sketch comedy was always a great way to center the weekend. It, as most late night comedy,  has gone down the proverbial toilet in the last 15-20 years.  But even though it isn't what it used to be the one segment that still has some of its original charm is the "Weekend Update" part where the cast focuses on current events and pokes fun at celebrities, politics and current events.

Its been close to six months since I started this whole journey and I realized that I hadn't done a true update summarizing what is going on now and how I am feeling lately, so I that is what I am doing today in this weekend update version of the blog.

Overall, I am feeling pretty good.  I am probably an 7 out of 10 on most days.  I have some struggles getting comfortable and sleeping.  But that's something most everyone deals with at some level.  So I do have some issues with daily fatigue-I am not sure if that's from the cancer, the treatment or the lack of good sleep.  It's probably a combination of all three.

Since the beginning of all of this I have been hampered by a series of external drains that helped removed the backed up bile from my liver and collected it into a bag (or two).  This required periodic home maintenance where it had to be emptied several times a day. Also at least daily the lines had to be flushed with saline so they didn't get clogged.  While that was definitely inconvenient, the worst part of the external drain was just knowing there was a bag hanging off my side and always worrying about it getting caught or bumped or it leaking.  It was nothing but a constant stress.  I was afraid to go anywhere or do anything without making allowances for the bag.

The good news is at this point the bag is gone, at least for now.  The doctors, in a series of procedures have been able to bypass the blockages and internalize the drains.  They have left me with external access points to flush, but no bags hanging off my sides to worry about.  Knowing that I am free from the bags was one of the biggest reliefs that I have had since this whole thing started.  I woke up the next day finally feeling like I could get some of my normal daily life back.

As far as the rest of the treatment, little has changed.  I still am dealing with chemo Mondays.  I do really hate chemo. The side effects have gotten less severe or at least I am able to deal with them better.  I am really not sure if the chemo is helping, but it seems to be, at a minimum, keeping the situation at a status quo.  The fact that they are able to internalize the bile drains, in my understanding, is evidence of progress.

Outside of the chemo I do have to go in for labs and other appointments periodically.  And I procedures to have to have the internal drains checked at least every couple of months.  But basically I am in a routine now.  Hopefully this consistent medical regime will allow me to incorporate some of the other parts of my life back as well.  That's the next step.  We will just have to see how big of a step I can handle.

10/21/24-Get Busy Living...Or Get Busy Dying

One of the best movies ever is "The Shawshank Redemption."  If you haven't seen it, you should, it is truly a perfectly developed story. 

In the movie is based on a book by Stephen King where Andy Dufresne sentenced to prison for a crime he didn't commit and how he delt with the time.  Consider this a possible spoiler warning, but the movie is 30 years old, so see it if you haven't already.  

In a scene Andy (played by Tim Robbins) is talking to his friend Red (played by Morgan Freedman).  Andy says its time to "...Get busy living or get busy dying."  I think he means there are really two paths in life.  If you don't have a goal to work towards in life you are only working towards your eventual death.  Working towards death is the default,  Everyone needs to be an active participant in their life.

Over the last 6 months, since I got sick, I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself.  I have been upset by the limitations I have on what I can do.  I have mentioned some of those limitations here.  I can't work, exercise is difficult at best.  I have spent a lot of time just watching TV.

But, like Andy Dufresne, maybe I need to look to what I can do, rather than focusing on the things I can't.  Can I go back to work?  Maybe I should do some type of exercise.  Probably not to the level that I could before, but I can do things.

I have realized over the last few weeks that if someone looked at me they probably would be surprised that I have cancer.  I think at a casual glance I don't look like someone who is undergoing cancer treatment.  I still do get around reasonably well.  I'm able to drive myself places.  My outward attitude is still relatively positive, or at least I hope it is.

If people can look at me and not realize that I am sick, maybe I shouldn't dwell on that fact either.  I need to figure out what my limitations are and find things I can still do.  I do believe I can get back to work.  Not 40 hours a week, but I do think I can find a reasonable amount of hours that I can work around my treatments, procedures and recovery.  I need to figure out a way to get some activity and exercise into my daily routine.  Maybe it's just to go for a walk.  Maybe it's to do some easy bodyweight exercise.

Hopefully I can do these things (and more).  I'd love to build on them to get the way I live my life closer to what it was.  I can't live my life waiting for the inevitable end, but need to get the best out of the time I am here on Earth.

I am not going to break out from a literal prison like Andy, but I can break free of the walls I have set up for myself by focusing on the things I can't do and instead I can look towards the things I can still do.  Or maybe I just need to get a Rita Hayworth poster for the wall?

  

10/17/24-"...I Am Your Father."- Darth Vader

When I was a kid I don't think I ever thought of myself becoming a father.  As a teenager I always hoped and probably expected to be married but I guess I didn't ever realize that would inevitability lead to fatherhood at some point.

But when I found the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with I was informed that having children was part of the deal-so making babies was in my future.  And then came Steve and Jeff.

Since I didn't grow up thinking about what type of Dad I would be it was kinda learning on the job.  I knew that Cindy would take care of the day to day necessities of being a parent.  She was and is the definite head of the family.  So I just needed to figure out what my role would be in raising sons.

Growing up in the sit-com generation a lot of what I knew about being a father came from TV Dads.  Family Ties had Steven Keaton, Growing Pains had Jason Seaver and The Cosby Show had Heathcliff Huxtable (that last one didn't age well as a role model).  I don't think that basing a parental style on TV families is probably the smartest place to start.

So I looked to my Dad.  He might not have been there every day, but he was always there to push me in the right direction and teach me what I needed to know.

Times are different though.  When I was growing up fathers and sons could bond over tasks and what was considered necessary skills.  My Dad taught me how to drive a stick shift-no one does that anymore.  He made me change the oil in my car.  Now you just get a coupon and drive to the 10 minute oil change place.

Still, I guess my parental philosophy became one of a guide.  I felt as if I could keep them on the a path but allow them to make their own mistakes and figure out their own ideologies, that Steve and Jeff would turn out ok.

At times we joke about my "hands-off" parenting.  But I hope that the kids both understand that even though I seemed like I wasn't the most domineering of fathers, I was always aware of where they were and what they were experiencing, ready to step in and support them.

Both Steve and Jeff are grown men now.  Even though I don't say it enough, I am very proud of both of them and who they have become.  I hope that maybe I had a little part in them becoming the people they are today.  

And they can always be glad that their Dad didn't end up being Darth Vader (Luke Skywalker definitely didn't win the Dad lottery). 

PS-I know that I haven't written specifically about the boys here.  Those posts are coming, hopefully soon.

10/12/24-My Childhood Idol and Baseball

When I was a kid I loved baseball.  I watched it every night on my black and white TV in my room.  I loved the stats.  I analyzed the strategy.  And I loved the Padres-especially my idol Tony Gwynn.

But I haven't watched baseball consistently in close to 2 decades.

How did someone who was a total diehard fan lose total interest in the sport he grew up loving?  

Warning: Here comes an Old Guy Rant.

Baseball is not the same game it was 20 years ago.  A lot of  the players are spoiled jerks, worried about celebrating their individual stats and practicing bat-flips rather than celebrating their accomplishments in what is supposed to be a team game.  No player hits to the opposite field or bunts.  It's all homerun or strikeout.

The rules of baseball have changed.  The one of the beautiful elements of baseball was that it wasn't a game with a time limit.  The game could go on for an unknown time until a winner was determined.  Now they have pitch clocks and limited pitching substitutions (which takes away the some of the strategy).  And the stupidest rule of all-putting a runner on 2nd base in extra innings.  That's not baseball.

But the purpose of this post is not to rant about how things were better in my day and how the millennials are ruining the world, it was to talk bout Tony Gwynn and one of my biggest regrets.

As I said Tony Gwynn was my childhood idol.  One of the greatest hitters of his era, if not in the conversation for all time, he played the game the right way.  He hit the ball where it was pitched.  He could have hit more homeruns, but chose to show the benefit of not striking out and getting on base to move runners around (how many times did Alan Wiggins go from 1st to 3rd on a Gwynn single?).  Like me, he was left handed.  I wore number 19 because he did.

So here's the regret.  I was going to San Diego State about 15 years ago and I was walking across one of the fields near the baseball stadium.  Tony Gwynn was the coach at that time.  And he was walking on the same path in the opposite direction.  I was going to meet my idol.

I was thinking of what I'd say to him.  I wanted to say thank you for all the great times watching him play the game I had as a kid, how much he meant to me on a day to day basis.  How I loved the way he played right field.  How watching him hit was like watching a master at his craft.

But then we passed each other.  Not a word was said.  I chickened out.  I didn't wat to bother him.  Why would a Baseball Hall of Famer want to talk to little old me?

And now he's gone.  Tony Gwynn died of cancer in 2014 (Don't chew tobacco kids).  I never got to thank him or even just to say "Hello."  I wish I had on that day.

The lesson here is if you get the chance to meet your idol, even for a minute, take advantage of it.  Because the odds of a second meeting are slim.

I didn't get to say it in person, so I will here...

"Thank you Tony.  You were my idol growing up and watching you play the game was one of the greatest pleasures of my life.  Even though you are gone, #19 lives on in my heart and the memories of all Padre fans."

  

10/12/24-Storm Clouds Bring on Doom and Gloom

I have gotten a few concerns of late that this blog has become a little gloomy, that it has become a way to say good-bye and that it seems as if I'm giving up.

While writing here does have a cathartic element (impressive vocabulary, huh?), by no means am I writing my epilogue.  I don't think I have ever been a quitter, and I am not starting now.  This is the biggest challenge I have ever fought, but that doesn't mean I am doomed to lose.

I continue to fight, using modern medicine as a weapon, although I have my reservations that the chemotherapy and other procedures are not a realistically a cure, but a extension on life to the unavoidable.

I do believe that the human body is an amazing organism and has the ability to heal itself in many cases.  I continue to investigate the possibility of more holistic ways to fight as an option.

But at the same time I do need to realize that this is a fight where the cards are stacked against me.  And for that reason I need to be ready to face the fact that this is a fight I may lose.  In reality we will all lose this battle at some point, and it seems to come when we are not prepared for it.

Overall I do feel good right now.  For that reason I do believe that my battle will be a lengthy one.  And everyday brings the optimism that maybe I can win this encounter with mortality.

I apologize that this post might be a little dreary, but I promise more positivity is coming.  

Hockey season started and Vegas is 2-0.  So that's a positive element.

10/10/24-Happy Birthday Wadey

I know it has been a week or so since I wrote here, but I just haven't been inspired on a topic.  But I'm still out here, plugging along, day by day.

I am definitely a dog person.   There has been Cupcake (the dog of my youth), Bob (Pizza Boy) and Jake (the Superdog).  Plus the sisters Cocoa and Princess Pebbles. Now it's Abby and Wade.

Why am I such a lover of dogs?  They are the ultimate expression of love, companionship and devotion.  They are lost if you go anywhere without them.  And when you come home they act as if you they haven't seen you in a hundred years.  They seem to know when you need to be entertained by play or when you just need them to comfort you by laying at your side.

Today is Wade Wilson's 7th Birthday.  He is our first "rescue" dog.  The first year of his life he spent tied outside somewhere before he was liberated The Rescued Dog.  He had grown into his restraint so much that he has a permanent bald spot around his neck where his collar would be. I saw a picture of him on their website and was sure he was the dog for me.

We went to a Saturday adoption event and I could see that he was timid and insecure.  I'm sure his tough life as a puppy contributed to that.  Plus I think he was in the foster home for at least a few months and was probably a little insecure.  Being a year old and being a black dog (I don't understand why but black dogs are not as desirable) probably made him one of the dogs left behind at these adoptions.

But I was convinced he was the dog for me.  I could see the caring in his eyes.  I pulled him aside and told him if he wanted to he could come home with me and I promised I would never leave him.

Over the years he has become very comfortable with us.  He still has some anxiety issues especially when we go on walks, but he is the most caring, loving companion I could have asked for.  I am sure he knows I am sick and is doing everything he can to be there for me.  He likes to lay near me.  He checks in on me when I sleep.  He knows we can't wrestle and play like we used to, but he does his best to keep me in check and show me he is in charge.

It makes me sad that I probably won't be able to keep my promise to him to never leave him.  I don't know when that will be but someday I will be gone.  That's hard.  My human family will understand when I'm gone, but Wade will just be waiting and wondering when I'm going to come back.

To all the dogs in my life-thanks for the love and companionship.  You have each meant more to me than you can imagine and I could never show you how important you were to me.

But today it's all about Wade.  Happy Birthday Buddy.  

   

10/3/24-Fast or Slow

One of the memories I have of when my Dad died is the doctor saying if he survived he would have probably needed a heart transplant.  This would have led to a major change in his lifestyle.  I'm sure he would have adapted and done everything to make sure he enjoyed life.  If there is one thing you can say about Dad is he was a pretty positive, happy guy.

Alas, none of that happened.  He had a heart attack during a the swim portion of a triathlon.  He was probably gone before they were able to pull him from the water.  A quick death for sure.

Now that I face my mortality, I am dealing with the opposite.  A slow journey down that tunnel with the light at the end.  I am being asked to make those life changes.  And it's hard. I consider myself a pretty active person-at least I was.  But now I am faced with the reality that not able to do what I was used to do or what I want to do.  And so much of my identity was tied to me being out and active.  So its hard for me to accept my limitations.

That's part of the problem though, I really don't feel bad.  I'm tired.  And I it seems like I am always doing some sort of procedure or heading to the doctor.  But most days I feel like I could work.  I feel like I can exercise.  What is missing is the drive and desire to do so.  I just sit around feeling sorry for myself waiting for news from the doctors, expecting it to be more bad news.

That might be the worst part of dealing with a long term illness.  The mental part.  It's like I'm a totally different person than I was 6 months ago, with problems I didn't anticipate and limitations I didn't expect.

So that leads back to the question that I think about a lot.  Would I rather have died quickly like my Dad, or struggle with a long-term illness like I am?  I really don't know the answer to that question.  I hate feeling depressed and sorry for myself.  I hate not being able to do some of the things that make me happy.  But knowing that my time is limited has allowed me to appreciate the things I took for granted before.  I feel closer to my family.  I understand better my relationship with God.

My hope is that I will somehow beat this.  That would allow me to get my lifestyle back, while still being able to appreciate the things I took for granted before.  But only time will tell if that's realistic.  And that's what we should all think about, time.  Both appreciate the time we have lived and make the best of the time we have left.