9/30/24-Being a Simoncini

Today is my step-brother, Tony Simoncini's birthday.  I don't know if he is officially still considered a "step-brother," but based on the time we spent together I would say he is.  So "Happy Birthday, Tony!"

As I have said before my Mom and Dad were divorced and then my Mom got remarried.  We moved across Santee to the Simoncini house.

It was interesting time as I look back.  We had to move schools.  Carlton Oaks School ended up being a great place for me because I was able to flourish there academically.  Socially, I made friends that were instrumental in me developing into the person I became (but that's another post for another time).

As I look back, I think that the Simoncini's did a great job adding our little family into their traditions while allowing us to maintain some of our own individually.

We did gain a life-long relationship with Pat, and by extension his future wife Ginny.  To this day they help out if my Mom needs something and participate in holidays with us.

Tony was always the superior athlete to me, but we spent countless hours in the front yard playing basketball or football in the street.  And I wouldn't be surprised if there are still tennis balls stuck in the  evergreen trees out front from the endless hours of catch/baseball we played.

As I reflect on the time we lived with the Simoncini's, the biggest eye-opener is the amount of influence that Gil, the patriarch of the family had on me.  It was a difficult time for me, as I was learning and developing into a teenager and man.  Gil was definitely strict with me when he needed to be as there were times when I'm sure I rebelled as all teen-aged boys did.  But he also allowed me space to be myself and mature.

I learned a lot from Gil.  I learned that Ragu spaghetti sauce can be improved by adding spices.  If you add enough you can call it your own.  And whoever got the bay leaf had to clean up after dinner.  I learned that there is no such thing as tin foil-it is always aluminum foil.

Mostly what I learned from Gil was on those Sunday mornings when we would share the sports page (back when the newspaper was made of paper) together and debate stats and standings.  I developed my life-long sports fandom on those mornings.

Baseball was our biggest debate topic.  I wonder what Gil would think of baseball today with all the rule changes.  I don't think he would have liked them one bit.  He was a baseball traditionalist and passed that on to me.  So no designated hitter.  Putting a free runner on 2nd base in extra innings-he is probably turning over in his grave on that one.   

One of the most lasting memories of my childhood was the 1984 Padres playoff run. And it was mostly attributed to Gil.  We watched on TV when the Padres after losing the first two games to the Cubs and facing elimination, won game 3 and game 4 (thanks to a Steve Garvey walk-off homer).  But the thing I most remember is being there in the old San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium to be part of the celebration after the Padres won game 5 and their 1st National League Championship.  It was Gil who brought me there.

Eventually that family split up as well and Mom, Amber and I were back on our own.  But that doesn't mean the time we were Simoncini's wasn't important.  I guess the lesson here is that sometimes you don't appreciate the situations you experience and the people that make you who you are when you are going through them.  But sometimes it helps to look back in order to realize how good you had it in the the past.

Thanks Tony for pushing me to be my best athletically.  Thanks Pat for showing me that how important caring about others is.  And thanks Gilbert Simoncini for including us in your family.

9/28/24-Slurpees and Sport Cars

 

I think if a guy looks back on their life they will realize there are a few male influences that made them who they are.  I definitely have a group of guys who shaped me,  First on my list is my Dad.

Born and grew up on the east coast, my Dad was an athlete in high school, running and playing basketball.  I didn't inherit his height so basketball wasn't in my future, but I did become a runner partially because of him-but more on that later.

Vietnam was going on and my Dad always told me the story that he was probably going to be drafted, but he didn't worry too much about it because he thought he had flat feet and would be disqualified for service.  So he went to the first recruiting office he could find, which turned out to be the Navy, expecting to be medically disqualified.  Surprise, I guess his feet weren't flat enough, and he found himself in the Navy.  Because of the Navy he met my Mom, so I guess I'm only here due to the arch in his feet.  

After the Navy he started working for 7-11 and was associated with them for the rest of his life.  So that is how I will remember him.

In the late 1970's Dad made what he told me was his biggest regret.  I don't really feel like going into the specifics but it led to my parents being divorced.  Now it seems pretty commonplace, but back then we were one of the first split families.  My parents handled it well.  They were always friendly with each other, at least that's the impression we got as kids.

Work made Dad travel and move quite a bit but, Sunday's were always Dad days.  He would pick me and Amber up in his Datsun Z, Triumph TR-7 or Mazda RX-7 and we would spend the day together.  All those cars were 2 seater sport cars which meant Amber had to sit on the console between the front seats-no seatbelt there.  But the 80's were a wild time.

Usually we would go to lunch or miniature golf or maybe a movie.  Inevitably we would always end up at his office where we would get free Slurpee's from their lunch room.  I can't even imagine how many Slurpee's I drank over my childhood.  Not healthy, but the 80's were a wild time.

To kind of wrap this story up, my parents did eventually get back together and remarried.  I guess they were meant to be together.  But even on their special day they put us kids first.  I remember I was upset and they pulled me aside to make sure I was alright with them getting back together.  I told them yes. and the ceremony continued.  What I don't think I ever told them is that I was upset because I couldn't get my tie right and didn't want to ruin the day with a messed up knot.  I can't believe I almost ruined the day over something so stupid, but it means a lot to me that even on their day they were worried about me.

Unfortunately, they didn't get the chance to grow old together and my Dad died way too young at 55 while doing a triathlon with me, but that's a story for another time.

I really wish I was able to spend more time with my Dad.  And I think he would have loved to spend more time with us a well.  Still, even though our time together was limited he did a great job of impressing on me who I would become.

I become a life-long runner because he was a runner in high school.  When I decided to join the military the Navy was the branch to emulate him.  His determination to maintain a family, even though it was a disjointed one showed me how important those connections were.

He did teach me some things that I still remember to this day.  I remember him saying, "Pump your arms when you run."   He taught me to drive a stick shift and as I coasted to a stop at a light he said, "Never coast in neutral.  Always put it in gear."

The one biggest lesson came on one of our weekend trips.  We spent the day at Knott's Berry Farm.  They have a roller coaster called Montazuma's Revenge that shot you in a loop in forward than backward.  I was scared to go on it.  Dad told me:

"Don't be afraid to try anything once.  If you do something and then don't like it you never have to do it again.  But you will never know if you like it if you don't try."

I went on the roller coaster and threw up in the trash can near the exit.  But whenever I think about trying something new I still remember what he said.

This has gotten way longer than I was expecting, and  I will have to cut this off at some point.  So I leave on this thought.  My Dad was not perfect.  He made mistakes.  I think he would agree with that.  But he always tried to make amends for them and make the best of the situation he was in.  No matter what he would problem faced him he would say, "Super! (he started sentences with that all the time)."  I hope to make the best of my current situation, because that's what he would do.

  

9/28/24-Full Coverage

Bart: I figure I'll go for the life of sin followed by the presto-chango deathbed repentance.

Brother Faith: Why not spend your life helping people instead?  Then you are covered in the case of sudden death.

Bart: Full coverage.  Hmm.

Even Bart Simpson realized that leading a honorable life might be a good idea for the best chance of fulfillment in the afterlife.

I really don't want to get preachy in my blog, but there will be some instances where I do talk about the importance of my faith in dealing with what I am going through.

People have told me they are impressed on how I am handling my mortality.  I don't know if that is actually true.  I am not happy about the realization that my death is not only inevitable and unavoidable but is coming sooner than I had hoped or planned.  But at the same time I'm not depressed all the time.  I don't think I have the feeling of why me or blaming people for my illness.

I heard a discussion about it being harder to face death as a non-religious person.  The implication was that an atheist was writing to a priest about being afraid of death because in that person's belief after death it was just the end.  The priest said he understood the person's apprehension, but that having a belief that life on earth is only a part of the journey to heaven.  And that knowledge makes death something not to be feared but to look forward to. 

I am not saying everyone needs to be Christian to deal with death.  I don't know a lot about other belief systems.  I wish I could understand how other people's faith systems work.  But I do believe that having some belief in the supernatural helps when looking toward the end.

In my case, I think the reason that I am able to deal with my death is my belief in the Catholic Faith.  I am far from the perfect Catholic but I am always looking to try to understand my religion and to become closer to Jesus and God.

The way I look at what I am going through is that there is really only three things that can happen.

1. I will be healed by medical intervention.  This can only occur by Jesus working through the doctor's hands.
2. I will be healed by divine intervention.  Jesus is the great healer and if by his will He can heal me if He chooses to do so.
3. I will die.  In this case God has a bigger purpose for me and I need to accept that.  He is the one who gives life and is the one who ends it.

I hope to spend what time I do have left learning about and becoming closer to God and preparing for the time when I will meet Jesus in heaven. 

9/26/24: Mom-Can't Smile Without You

 

This post is one that is a long time coming and one that I have been working on for quite some time.  It's hard to put in words on a short post all my Mom has done for me in my life.  Nor am I a good enough writer to convey what my Mom has done for me.

Of all the people in my life no one deserves more credit (or blame) for who I am today than my Mom.

She grew up in New Jersey and was still very young when she met a young Navy sailor in my Dad.  They were married and she followed him across the country to San Diego even though he would soon deploy to Vietnam.  Being alone in a new city must have been tough, but then she found out she was pregnant with me.  I'm sure that didn't make it easier.

But she endured, and eventually I was born.  Luckily it also coincided with Dad getting out of the Navy.  We were a family.  Over the 1970's things got more interesting.  Amber come along. We moved in to a house in Santee.  Grandparents moved out.  It must have been a lot for Mom to deal with.

But it wasn't all good.  My parents separated, and Mom had to take care of 2 young kids on her own.  I'm sure she made sacrifices in her own life for me and my sister.  I'm sure it wasn't easy for her nor was it the life she expected, but I never knew anything was wrong.  We were a normal family doing normal things.  Church, soccer practice, Disneyland trips-there was never a time when I didn't feel like my childhood was lacking in any way.

In high school, without my knowledge, she signed me up for cross country.  I don't know how she knew,  but running would become a life long activity for me because she did that.

As I look back on my childhood I can't believe all that my Mom gave up for me over the years, especially at her expense.

I probably wasn't the easiest kid to raise.  I'm sure I made bad decisions like most teenagers, but no matter what Mom was my biggest supporter.  She was my cheerleader if that's what I needed but allowed me to grow and make mistakes so I would learn from them.

As I got older I think we have become closer.  Mom has become someone I can confide in and talk to about things that are bothering me.  Even when I was in the Navy deployed overseas we would talk every week.

I could go on for pages for all she has done for me and our family as a whole.

As she has gotten older, Mom has developed physical issues that she has to deal with.  She lost the love of her life, Dad, almost a quarter of a century ago.  That must be lonely.  But she continues to be the anchor of our family.  She keeps track of countless relatives and friends.  She makes sure we get together as a family for meals.

I could go on for pages for all she has done for me and our family as a whole.  But I will try to wind this down with a couple of last thoughts.  As I have gotten sick, my life has been turned upside down.  And the fact that we are both dealing with physical issues has made us become closer she is someone who understands what some of what I am going through.  She is someone who understands how important faith in God is at this point in life.  Our discussions on that have been invaluable and comforting.

I close on this...I was in the talent show as a kid way back in like 3rd grade.  I don't know how we came to this idea, but I would lip-sync and preform as Barry Manilow.  The song we chose is "Can't Smile Without You."  And that's true.  I don't think that I would be able to smile without all the things my Mom has done for me over the 52 years of my life, and I can't help but smile when I look back at the time we have had together.

Mom-Thank you for all that you have done and all that you continue to do for me.  I could never have asked for a better Mom. 

    

  

9/24/24: Amber-The Little Sister

Since I became sick I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life and some of the things I have not appreciated of taken for granted.

Family, faith, friendships are big things that I don't think I ever took the time to recognize for what they have meant to me or how they have shaped me to who I am.

One of the people who I spent more time than anyone else with growing up with is my sister, Amber.  Just due to the amount of time we were exposed to each other as kids has made her a big part of becoming who I am.

We were one of the first families to be effected by divorce (as far as I can remember), so my Mom had to work.  That meant it was Amber and I together at Grandma's house every day after school.

We did spend a lot of time on Sunday's with Dad.  That meant it was Amber and I together at the 7-11 corporate office (Amber usually had to sit on the console between the seats since Dad's cars only had 2 seats) drinking Slurpees and eating Chipwitch ice cream sandwiches.

When Mom got remarried and we became part of another family who was actually great at assimilating us, I do believe there were times when it was just Amber and I.

Eventually, when Mom separated from that family again Mom, Amber and I moved into an apartment.  We were older then, but I'm sure there were times when it was just Amber and I.

 All that Amber and I time has definitely left some sort of impression on me.

But over time life goes on.  Over time and distance I think we grew apart.  I spent a long time in the Navy on the wrong coast.  We both got married and started our own families.  

I don't know if we were ever sibling rivals, but we were never as close as we should have been based on all the time we spent together as kids.  And I am mostly to blame for that.  I was never someone who was good at or even wanted to get close to people.  I still am that way to a point.  And if I can't allow my sister, genetic material we share, to be close to me that's a weakness on my part.

I have always felt that if we needed each other for anything that all the time we were together as kids would make that closeness come back.  I felt I could depend on her for me, and I hope she feels that she could depend on me if she needed anything.

I regret that, because of my closed in personality, I have never told her how proud I am of her.  She never had it easy growing up, but has made a great life for herself.  She has a great family, great job and a great home.  She is financially able to take care of Mom (something I can't say).

Over my illness she has been available to help me out with meals and other support when needed.  and that's great.  But mostly what this has shown me is that I was right about the fact that if we ever needed it we would be there for each other, Amber and I.

I don't say it enough, but I'm glad Amber is my sister and I love her very much. 

9/19/24: What's Up with Snoopy?

I hope it's pretty obvious that I have a connection to Snoopy.  Joe Cool is part of my online profiles and there are pictures of Snoopy on everything associated with me.  If you ever came over to my house you would see hundreds of Snoopy things.  Stuffed animals, books, clothes, and holiday ornaments are just a sample of what are scattered throughout.

But why?  What is a middle-aged man doing with Snoopy stuffed animals?  Why does he wear Snoopy T-shirts all the time?  Is he just a kid in an adult body (Cindy would say yes to that)?

Well here's the story of Snoopy and me to the best of my recollection.  Some of it was when I was very young...so I am going on what I was told.

I was born in San Diego, but both of my parents were came from east coast families.  When I was just a toddler my Grandparents (Mom's side) came out to visit.  I think they took a train.  When we picked them up at the downtown train station my Grandfather had in his hand a red Snoopy lunchbox, a can of speghettios and a stuffed Snoopy.

I don't know what happened to the lunchbox or the speghittios, but from that moment on Snoopy and I were inseparable.  I carried him everywhere.

At one point I lost him at Sea World.  I can only assume I was crestfallen to lose my friend.  My Grandfather spent days looking for him in the trash at Sea World.  We did get him back.

Over time he got pretty beaten up.  His "fur" wore off.  I used to throw him from while holding his snout causing his to be detached at the neck.  He had numerous eyes glued on.  It was so bad that he had to go to a doll hospital to be rebuilt at one point. (Thanks Mom for getting him fixed.)

And now, 50 years later, he is still in my room.  I no longer carry him around, but he sits on shelf in a place of honor, still looking over me.  And when I need someone to talk to he is still there.  I don't think he has ever talked back, but he is a great listener.

Thanks for all the years of friendship, Snoopy.

9/16/24: The Holiday You Don't Want: Chemo-Day

I thought it might be interesting to go through what a typical day of chemotherapy is like for me.  Then I realized it's not interesting at all, but I had already did all this typing, so it is anyway.

My chemo is on Mondays (at least so far they have been), but all chemo sessions start with blood test to make sure the body is ready for the poison infusion.  So I get to go to the lab on the weekend to give some blood to the phlebotomist for testing.  I have given so many vials of blood over the last few months to know the staff by name.

In chemo treatment each day is given a number.  So Monday is Day One. 

The rest of Sunday I have to get my "go bag" ready for the next day.  Battery packs, tablet loaded with entertainment,  and anything else I might feel as I need.  Cindy packs her work stuff along with some snacks to keep her occupied while the infusion is going on.

I try to eat a light breakfast and get a little caffeine to increase my mood and energy.  Usually about 45minutes before the appointment time we head to the hospital.  After parking we head to the 4th floor infusion center.

The staff in the infusion center is great.  They usually have my info up and ready before I get there so check-in is a breeze.  The nurse takes my vitals and gets us to a room.  At Kaiser Zion the infusion rooms are private.  There is just a reclining chair and a less comfortable separate chair for Cindy.

We then meet the chemo nurse for the day and go over my medical record and the plans for the day.  The chemo nurse then gets the IV setup in whatever arm they can get the best vein.  Its the most uncomfortable part of the day.  Once the site is ready, the infusions start.  My total time is one of the longer ones as far as I can tell.  It last 4-5 hours.

I am able to get up and walk around, and I try to do so every hour or so, just to say sane.  The nurse is in and out making sure Cindy and I are doing ok.  They have to change the infusion bag several times as well.

Once the last bag is done the nurse removes the IV and we are free to go.  We usually are pretty hungry as its early afternoon.  I have found that I am good to eat almost everything as my side effects that day are pretty mild.  So we eat.

By the end of the day I'm usually pretty worn out so I don't plan much, so I try to get to bed early.

Day Two starts with my biggest issue.  One of the side effects of my chemo is uncontrollable hiccups.  They typically last about 24 hours and are more of an annoyance than anything.  I do take anti-nausea drugs and they seem to be working well so far (knock on wood).  The hiccups usually get more manageable around dinnertime.

Day Three things get back to normal.  I still take the nausea meds that day, but other than maybe needing a nap the Wednesday after Chemo is pretty normal.

That all repeats on the following Monday, Day Eight.  More labs, infusion, hiccups.

My treatment is 2 weeks on then 1 week off.  I really look forward to that week without the infusion.  It's nice to not have to go in for treatment and it gives my body a chance to recover.

That's about it.  Sorry.  I thought this post would be more interesting, but its pretty boring.  But its my life for the last few months.  And it is going to be my life for the foreseeable future.  Don't feel sorry for me-every day is a blessing.  Feel sorry for Cindy for having to put up with me-I'm quite a handful.

 

9/14/24: The Grand Tour-One for the Road

 

About 20 years ago (give or take) my favorite show on TV was Doctor Who.  I watched it Saturday night after Church.  It is a British show so I watched it on the BBC America channel.

One of those Saturday nights I caught part of a car show called Top Gear.  I am not a car guy, but I enjoyed the way the 3 hosts interacted and the humor.  It was basically 3 middle aged guys acting like guys would act together.  They made fun of the cars, themselves and each other.  They gave themselves ridiculous challenges and were forced to modify their cars in crazy ways.

Over the years the show evolved from a weekly show on BBC to a few times a year epic special on Amazon Prime.  Why they changed networks is a whole other story for another post.

Friday they released their last show after 22 years of working together.  They are moving on because they are getting old and they really don't have much more story to tell.  They are also not interested in doing review of electric cars because they are "boring washing machines" on wheels-no argument there.  I am not going to recap the show, but it was a great job of honoring some of their past adventures while not just ending up a fan-service cut show.

What did make me think is one of the hosts made the remark after sliding on the sand that it might be the last time he is ever doing a power slide on TV.  He said that everyone does things for the last time without knowing it and isn't able to appreciate it because they don't know its the last time.  And he's right.

Take the time to appreciate the things you love to do when you do them.  And keep doing them as long as you can.  You don't know when you won't be your last time.

9/13/24: Bucket List Item-Hike Tuascahn Saddle

In looking over my posts I am realizing this blog might be a little depressing and sound kinda defeatist in tone.  I do want to make it clear that at this moment I am still hoping for a victory here and am doing whatever I can to make it through this battle.

That being said I am starting a little "Bucket List" on the side of this blog somewhere that list the things I want to do if  when (that's positivity) I beat cancer.

1. Hike Tusacahn Saddle in Utah (Again).

A couple of years ago I was looking for something to engage my active lifestyle.  At least I wanted to try to be more active.  On my lovely wife's urging I made a reservation to go to Movara in Ivins, Utah in January 2022 for a week.

Movara is a fitness camp.  It is mostly an all-inclusive fitness resort.  If this were a different time it would be called a "Fat Camp."  The meals are prepared for you by a professional chef.  There is a spa on site.  Your room is cleaned daily.  Your job for the week is to participate.  The afternoon is stocked with fitness classes and a variety of workouts.  The highlight for me was the morning hikes around St. George and Snow Canyon State Park.

In that week I discovered how much I really liked hiking.  And there are endless places to hike in this part of Utah (Yes, I know that there other more famous hiking areas in Southern Utah as well).  But in those 3 or so hours we would cover miles of trails and hundreds of feet of elevation. Sometimes we'd be on rocks, Sometimes we'd be on sand.  The time passed so quickly because there was so much to see and the conversation with total strangers become friends by the end of the week.

The hiking groups are divided up by ability, and near the end of the week typically the more advanced groups do "The Saddle."  I was nervous both times when this one came up.  Its about 5mi long with 1,200ft of elevation.  Basically of of the climbing is in the first mile or so.  Looking up from the trailhead is a little intimidating.  But when you reach the top and look down the feeling of accomplishment makes it all worth it.

I want to feel that accomplishment again.  And God willing, someday I will.

Me-Looking down "The Saddle" (Jan 2023)

9/11/24: Where were You Moments and the Final Frontier

Every generation seems to have those moments that you always remember where you were when it happened or you heard about it.  Pearl Harbor, JFK assignation, Berlin Wall coming down and the O.J. Simpson car chase are some that come to mind.  Everyone probably has their own lists.  

But I don't think anyone can dispute that engrained in your memory is the moment when you first saw the footage of the planes crashing into the World Trade Center or the buildings coming down.  I, like most people that day was glued to the TV all day watching the coverage of the plane hitting the Pentagon and all the happenings of the day.

I was running a Navy Recruiting office in San Bernardino at the time (that's a whole other story) and my Chief told us to keep the office closed.  There was still some concerns about other attacks on military at that time.  I went into the office long enough to shut the blinds and lock everything down until we were allowed to go back to work.

9/11 is not the first time in my life that I remember as a "Where were you moment."  Back in 1986, January 28th, to be exact my 8th grade class was in the auditorium at Carlton Oaks School to watch the Space Shuttle Challenger launch the first civilian, a teacher, into space.  I was always fascinated by space flight, but by this time Shuttle launches were becoming routine so I'm quite sure I was enjoying an hour away from real classroom activities and most likely not even paying attention.  All that ended about 70 seconds later when the shuttle exploded.  I don't remember what happened after that.  We were probably taken back to the classroom rather than be exposed to the grim reality of what had just happened.

What did happen after that is my interest in space flight increased.  I followed the investigation and was excited when the Shuttle program resumed.  While i didn't watch or follow every Shuttle flight I was aware of when launches were.  When I was in Navy training in Orlando I was able to watch the rocket trail after the launches.  I was sad when the Columbia was lost on reentry in 2003.  When I've had the chance I have gone to see Space shuttle in museums in Los Angeles and Cape Canaveral.

So when the US Government ended the Shuttle program was ended in 2011 I was confused.  We were the nation that took the inspiration of JFK to send a man to the moon and return him to earth before the end of the 1960's.  We were the nation that lead the construction if the International Space Station by using our "space truck," the Shuttle to get the modules there.  Now we had no way to get our own crew up there without depending on one of our political adversaries, Russia, to give us a ride.

And now its been 13 years since the Shuttle was retired.  We have made no progress towards going back to the Moon and beyond.  Thank goodness that Elon Musk founded SpaceX to at least give us the ability to send people from this country to space again.  Progress towards space is slowly starting again.

One of those other moments that I think people remember where they were when they saw it was the Apollo 11 landing, the first time a man set foot on on another planetary surface.  It was in July, 1969, I wasn't alive to experience that moment.  But I hope we can get back there (and beyond) soon.  I do think we will.  And I hope I am able to see it.  Only time will tell. 

9/8/24: Previously On...

One of my favorite shows of all time was the Kiefer Southerland show-24.  It was a spy drama that took place in real time so that the events in one hour of the show took place over one hour until the entire 24 day was covered.  But that's not important here.

I think it was one one the first shows that started every episode with the phrase "Previously on 24" followed by a recap of the events in the series so far.

I think now that I am making my experiences more public it might be nice to recap my life over the past few months or so.

Back in April or May I was starting to feel very fatigued all the time.  I was still able to function at work and at home but I was struggling to get the energy to exercise.  I was also having a lot of issues with itchy skin.

I went to the doctor and they ran some tests.  Nothing was conclusive but I could tell the doctors were concerned.  I then started showing a yellowing of my skin.  Jaundice was a big enough symptom to get me to go to the ER and eventually the hospital.

There I underwent a series of procedures over the next few months that included sending cameras and probes down my throat (called an ERCP) and poking and prodding in my abdomen to both try to restore bile flow to take care o the jaundice and to make a diagnosis on what is wrong with me.

I could tell the doctors pretty much knew what was wrong but they needed to take some tissue samples to be sure.  Finally they did get a good sample and officially I was a cancer patient. Cholangiocarcinoma-cancer of the bile duct. 

To make a long story short I have had a number of procedures that have left me with a stint in my bile duct and a couple of drains to help the bile flow.  Chemo is done via a 4 hour infusion 2 out of every 3 weeks.  Time will tell how successful any of this will be.

I had a feeling going back to at least late last year that something wasn't right with me.  I did talk to my doctor but I was pretty healthy I thought and I never really had any medial issues so I just did my best to live with it thinking it would pass.  It didn't.  If I had pressed the issue and asked the right questions maybe I could have caught this sooner and the prognosis would be better.

Its weird but those thoughts were recently echoed by someone I recently read about.  I never watched the show, but the host of Tex Mex Motors on Netflix, Rob Pitts, just died of stomach cancer.  He was only 45.  In his video announcing his cancer he explained he was just thinking he had acid reflux.  By the time it was determined he had cancer it was too late.  He also said to ask questions, get answers and figure it out.

Take that advise out there.  Be your own best advocate for your health.  You know if something isn't right.  You just need to figure out what it is before its too late.

 

9/7/24: Life is Short, but It Should be Long Enough

As I said there are days when I feel upset with how my life is going.  I feel like I have much more to give on this Earth.  I'm only 52.  I want to continue to be a part of my family and watch my kids grow.  I want to be helpful and good at my job.  I want to learn about and make my faith in God and the Catholic Church a bigger part of my life.

I used to listen to a podcast that ended every time with the phrase:

"Life is short, but it should be long enough."

 To me this means that while our time on Earth is finite, if we live it well and make the most of every moment, it can feel fulfilling and meaningful, as if it lasted longer than it physically was.

I did spend a lot of my life saying I'll do this or that next year.  Or I'll start that next month.  Or I messed up this week, so I guess I'll just try again to do that next week.  The problem is that there might not be a next year, a next month or a next week.  No one can know when their time comes.

And because of that philosophy I do think I missed out on a lot in my life.  It was only in the past few years I learned how much I love to go on cruises and put myself out there dancing with a bunch of strangers.  I (with the encouragement of Cindy) discovered how much I loved going to spend the week hiking and exercising at Movara in Utah.  I love the glitz and glamour of seeing shows in Las Vegas.  I am just realizing how much I love and need the Church.  The importance of The Virgin Mary and sharing in the Eucharist has never been so evident as in the last 6 months.  I should have gone to Vegas for the Stanley Cup Parade last summer.

I follow hockey and last week 2 brothers were killed by a drunk driver.  Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau were only 31 and 29 respectfully.  They both has young families and long lives ahead of them.  So this this live for today thing has really come to the forefront of my mind over the last week or so.  I can complain to myself about all the years that cancer is taking from me but then I see that people younger than me have their life taken from them I have to think to myself,  "I have no room to complain.  I've gotten so many opportunities."

So take this as advice from someone who has limited time left on Earth.  Make the most of your time.  Take a chance.  Don't put off something until tomorrow that you can do today.  You never know how many tomorrows you have left.

RIP Johnny and Matthew.  

9/6/24: I Owe My Life to Pepsi

Pepsi is the worst tasting soda in the world.  Its good for cleaning battery terminals in your car and may help in deodorizing drains.

Every civilized person in the world knows that Coke is better than Pepsi in every aspect.

So its hard for me to say but I owe my life to a Pepsi.  On a random Friday afternoon I was at a high school girls basketball game and I said I was going to the snack bar.  I being such a nice person asked if anyone wanted anything.  I heard someone ask me to get her a Pepsi.

I looked over and it was a junior who I barely knew.  Can you believe that a junior would even have the audacity to ask me, a senior, to get her a soda?

To make a long story short I got her the Pepsi (I think she was surprised I actually did).  And that person ended up being the love of my life, Cindy.

That single disgusting, watered-down soda has led to more than 30 years of life together, travelling through California, Central Florida, a New York Winter, Virginia and back to California.  We were seperated more times than I can count while I was in the Navy, but She was always the perfect Navy wife waiting for me when I came home.  It has led to 2 human kids and 6 canine kids.

I don't think I can put in words here what Cindy means to me.  She is my reason to get up everyday and is my last thought before I go to sleep for the night.  She has always taken care of my every need, but now I see how much she does for me.  Since I got sick she is my rock to keep me grounded.  She is my secretary to keep track of all my treatments and appointments. She is my nurse to take care of all my medicines and medical issues.

I don't know what I would do without her, and I'm glad I won't have to find out.

It's great being married to your best friend, even if I owe it to a Pepsi.
 

9/5/24: Fighting a Battle I Can't Win

This has been a tough summer.  I went from what I thought was a relatively healthy 52 year old (honestly carrying a few extra pounds) to someone with cancer.  And not a good cancer, one that is relatively rare and aggressive.

Since then I have been in the hospital multiple times and had many, many procedures to make my life more livable.  And I get to experience chemotherapy.  And with chemo comes many cool side effects like hair loss (expected) and uncontrollable hiccups (not expected).

Let's get it out of the way right here-Cancer Sucks.  I don't think I really knew anyone close to me who had gone through cancer so I didn't know what to expect, but now that I am seeing it from the inside I can definitely say that its rough. Everyday is a new experience, I never know how I'm going to feel until I wake up.  Somedays I feel fine.  Other days I feel tired.  Somedays I'm mentally strong.  Other days I'm emotionally exhausted.

The thing I am learning is that cancer is not fair.  I see people 20 or 30 years older than I am who drink and smoke who are living normally-not a care in the world is seems.  Here I am. I don't drink, never smoked, exercised daily and I'm the one who has cancer.

I know at some point the cancer will win this fight.  But for now I'm trying my best to battle the inevitable.  Time will tell how long the war will last.